TV has destroyed my mindhead

Like most children of the '80s I watched a lot of televeision. I am talking countless hours a day in front of that wood grained Zenith (and it was) radioactive tube and not surprisingly all those old episodes of Macguyver, the A-Team and of course Family Ties keep crawling out of the depths of the sludge known as my thinkin box area. It would appear that the trend has continued...

Swimming… In the Amazon


I should probably never go swimming in the Amazon.

It’s true, it looks totally bad ass and everything; all those half naked Indians with the cool haircuts splashing around like little monkeys at the zoo, the sweltering heat, the mosquitoes as big as eagles.

I was kinda thinking about going… just to check it out no big deal, but then I watched this show on the Discovery Channel where this totally tough looking Mexican guy was fishing and decided to cool off. Low and behold he must have thought he was in the shower cause… he peed (clearly he doesn’t have cable or he would have known better), probably not his best move of the day, that was obviously when he was chewing on a Cuban and grinning like Hannibal (try to fix this one A-team) cause he knew a plan was coming together and he really enjoys that.

If he had attended an American university or had a solid satellite signal, this could have been avoided.

You know he was happy as shit too when he was releasing the golden glory all over those stupid fucking fish.

Vengeance comes swiftly in the Amazon my Mexican friend, just go back to your fishing and smoking while the Amazon’s invisible dick ninja settles in for a dish of hot steamy revenge… IN YOUR PENIS.

All of this set my head a spinning, I pee in the shower… like a lot! I pee in the pool, the lake, the toilet, if there is water I will pee in it. This is a serious issue here man, I have even peed in my pants cause it was raining. There are really only two ways to avoid Juan’s fate: One would be to wear a condom while swimming in the Amazon; the problem with that is… I would get all boned up because I’m thirty three and I would see one of those hot Amazon haircut chicks and then I would have to jerk off (obviously) and who wears a condom while pleasuring oneself (Mormons) next thing you know... The only other possible option is to stop peeing in the shower, which is probably not gonna happen, I am way to far into this thing, it’s a lifestyle now, no turning back. I mean Juan survived, probably because he looked totally awesome, but that thing chewed up his urethra and almost cost him his junk! I don’t look half as tough as Jerry and I don’t smoke cigars which puts me way behind in the cool guy game.

I don’t think I want to go swimming in the Amazon anymore