Dammit!! I have been suffering from an acute case of writer's block lately and I fear the only way to jump start my slow moving mind-head is to jam copious amounts of booze in my face, but I have been trying to lay off the sauce so there must be an alternative... right?
In totally unrelated news, I broke a fucking filling in one of my molars and am in some serious pain here. What I love most about not having dental insurance is realizing I get to pay to have this stupid tooth fixed; either by a real dentist for thousands of dollars or go to the dental school, wait in line and have some undergrad yank it out with a pair of shitty pliers or if I am super lucky a string attached to the door knob.
This is all slightly frustrating as it is fucking up my cool. The left side of my face is swollen up so I look like a retarded chipmunk, it's awesome when everyone walks up and says "you look like shit!"
"NO, you are the one who looks like shit!" you shitty looking, shit-tard from shit... place that you are from! go F yourself in your A with your own D.
Now I didn't really mean any of that, you no belt wearing, tucking your t-shirt in dickwad.
"Sure I will give ya a pack of dem punkin seeds, dem are a quarter and a bag a dose porkies too, those are 75 cents Sling Blade."
"Thanks for the exact change you dirty ass, no brushing your teeth (and do you ever wash your hands, christ), white trash, drunk."
Thanks for not tipping me, I really appreciate spending time with you every afternoon and listening to your "tales of a factory worker," how exciting your life has been... idiot.
My tooth hurts.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thanksgiving from me and Danzig
What kind of person would I be if I were not to give some shout outs and thanks for all of my blessings on this upcoming holiday dedicated to some white people fucking up some brown people (they did bring us corn and it was most likely poisoned so... duh!).
Lets clarify though that shout outs are not thanks they are more like "good job dude" so a shout out would be, "hey good job gettin' some dad.. high five" but if I said "thanks for bangin' mom" that would be fucked up and gross.
Since Danzig is helping me write this (thanks Danzig, wrong spot... fuck) I should probably send some shout outs first.
Good job Satan... I love rock n roll, but I won't thank you just in case I was all wrong about this god shit.
Whoopi Goldberg, braids can be sexy as hell... not on you, but somebody.
Dear Tesla, Electricity rules "and the sign says you got to have a membership card to get inside", fuck you Edison!
"Knowing is half the battle" GI J.O.E. taught me the other half was smokin' dudes with blue lasers (bad guys use red lasers... of course)!
I didn't really learn shit from Hunter S. Thompson, but he was scared and hated everything just like me so, cool.
I really could go on giving shout outs for days, but Danzig says I am not thankful enough?
On with the thanking?
Thank You computers for giving me a dystopian future of mechanical warfare and death to look forward to!
Tipping me at work is acceptable, but leaving strange pills on the bar is much cooler dirty guy!
Thanks Marcos for reminding me that I needed to fix that thermostat in the $600.00 wonder car... might have blown that thing up otherwise. Dammit that was a shout out (Danzig says call you)!
Just want to thank the guy who blew a red light, hit me while riding my bike, then flipped me off, called me cracker and fled the scene. I wish your entire family all the best and hope Turkey Day finds you well; if anything horrific were to happen to you I would be devastated.
Monsterous super ultra thank you to beer, without you I might have actually accomplished something! (just kidding, that is Oliver North's fault... I believed you man.)
Danzig says that we got some shit to go do (he's not the boss of me) so I should get back to sacrificing... my night.
One last thank you for Thanksgiving. Turkeys... learn how to fly dummies, we could be eating eagles if you would get your shit together!
Lets clarify though that shout outs are not thanks they are more like "good job dude" so a shout out would be, "hey good job gettin' some dad.. high five" but if I said "thanks for bangin' mom" that would be fucked up and gross.
Since Danzig is helping me write this (thanks Danzig, wrong spot... fuck) I should probably send some shout outs first.
Good job Satan... I love rock n roll, but I won't thank you just in case I was all wrong about this god shit.
Whoopi Goldberg, braids can be sexy as hell... not on you, but somebody.
Dear Tesla, Electricity rules "and the sign says you got to have a membership card to get inside", fuck you Edison!
"Knowing is half the battle" GI J.O.E. taught me the other half was smokin' dudes with blue lasers (bad guys use red lasers... of course)!
I didn't really learn shit from Hunter S. Thompson, but he was scared and hated everything just like me so, cool.
I really could go on giving shout outs for days, but Danzig says I am not thankful enough?
On with the thanking?
Thank You computers for giving me a dystopian future of mechanical warfare and death to look forward to!
Tipping me at work is acceptable, but leaving strange pills on the bar is much cooler dirty guy!
Thanks Marcos for reminding me that I needed to fix that thermostat in the $600.00 wonder car... might have blown that thing up otherwise. Dammit that was a shout out (Danzig says call you)!
Just want to thank the guy who blew a red light, hit me while riding my bike, then flipped me off, called me cracker and fled the scene. I wish your entire family all the best and hope Turkey Day finds you well; if anything horrific were to happen to you I would be devastated.
Monsterous super ultra thank you to beer, without you I might have actually accomplished something! (just kidding, that is Oliver North's fault... I believed you man.)
Danzig says that we got some shit to go do (he's not the boss of me) so I should get back to sacrificing... my night.
One last thank you for Thanksgiving. Turkeys... learn how to fly dummies, we could be eating eagles if you would get your shit together!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Mr. Randy's Awesome Tips for Traveling: Part One
As most of you know I have been out on a little adventure to the Souther parts of this wonderful nation and since I am the number one traveler in the world... I will share some of my secrets with you for a guaranteed great-cation!
First of all lets pick the exact destination: Go South, no place in particular because the South is all the same and this is your adventure; don't try to copy me as all my trips have been copy-written and I will sue you.
Make a vacation budget: Now double it and add twenty bucks then factor it by three for moonshine and hookers, that is your budget.
Take strides to learn the local language: In the South they speak Shit-mouth; the best way to familiarize yourself with it is to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" and the show where they hunt alligators. Always speak with the local accent it's flattering to them; so practice!!
Buy a flight: The ones with the most layovers are the best and will prevent frustration. I am a seasoned traveler and always fly standby, but you can't do that.
Ready to go, but pack lightly because you are going to buy most of your clothes at souvenir shops at your destination, make sure they have the name of the city on it and a sweet slogan about partying or grannies or trucks. You are going to need this to camouflage yourself from robbers.
Flying is easy, tell the person sitting next to you your life story and all about your work and kids, do not let them fall asleep as nearly 2.1 million people die from flight sleep annually.
When you depart the plane don't bother following the signs or instructions, just keep asking where the baggage carousel is and start purchasing shit you have a budget to spend!!
My years of traveling experience have given me a wealth of knowledge about every single place on the globe, even if I haven't been there physically; I have mind-traveled there (this is an advanced traveler technique that only Rod Stewart, Billy Joel and I can perform). So as not to overwhelm you this will be a three part advice bible. Follow what I have given you and there is absolutely no way that your adventure will let you down, also buy all of your drugs locally, usually drug dealers from the region can give you the best tips on where to get seafood.
Coming Soon... Hotel Check In
First of all lets pick the exact destination: Go South, no place in particular because the South is all the same and this is your adventure; don't try to copy me as all my trips have been copy-written and I will sue you.
Make a vacation budget: Now double it and add twenty bucks then factor it by three for moonshine and hookers, that is your budget.
Take strides to learn the local language: In the South they speak Shit-mouth; the best way to familiarize yourself with it is to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" and the show where they hunt alligators. Always speak with the local accent it's flattering to them; so practice!!
Buy a flight: The ones with the most layovers are the best and will prevent frustration. I am a seasoned traveler and always fly standby, but you can't do that.
Ready to go, but pack lightly because you are going to buy most of your clothes at souvenir shops at your destination, make sure they have the name of the city on it and a sweet slogan about partying or grannies or trucks. You are going to need this to camouflage yourself from robbers.
Flying is easy, tell the person sitting next to you your life story and all about your work and kids, do not let them fall asleep as nearly 2.1 million people die from flight sleep annually.
When you depart the plane don't bother following the signs or instructions, just keep asking where the baggage carousel is and start purchasing shit you have a budget to spend!!
My years of traveling experience have given me a wealth of knowledge about every single place on the globe, even if I haven't been there physically; I have mind-traveled there (this is an advanced traveler technique that only Rod Stewart, Billy Joel and I can perform). So as not to overwhelm you this will be a three part advice bible. Follow what I have given you and there is absolutely no way that your adventure will let you down, also buy all of your drugs locally, usually drug dealers from the region can give you the best tips on where to get seafood.
Coming Soon... Hotel Check In
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Southern Fried Speakin
Savannah, GA I think it's 2010, but could be 1984
Picture this being written with a slow Southern drawl, you know the kind that makes you sound more smarter.
Damn I ain't even seen no alligators yet.
They sure is lotta zombies down this here way.
Hey man, ya'll talk funny... where you from?
The boat leaves round three or five o'clock.
I'd appreciate it if ya'll wouldn't curse in front o my wife.
Oh, you know how them coon dawgs'll get ta howlin!
You see the titties on that one, woo wee lawd!
Ya'll want grits wit them?
That boy crazier than a shine on Sunday!
That beer gonna be more sweeter, cause it's from Atlanta.
What the hell are these people talking about? I may be from Wisconsin where we speak like Canadians on meth, but come on! I can't understand a god damn thing these people say, but the more they drink the more I understand; their drunk is my sober (that's what happens when you cross the Mason Dixon Line). What's even crazier is the more I drink the better they understand me? I don't even understand what the fuck I am saying when I'm blasted and these backwoods sister fuckers are waxing eloquent about moonshinen and noodlin! This chick just told me the special of the day and I think she mentioned something about poop and corn bread?
Picture this being written with a slow Southern drawl, you know the kind that makes you sound more smarter.
Damn I ain't even seen no alligators yet.
They sure is lotta zombies down this here way.
Hey man, ya'll talk funny... where you from?
The boat leaves round three or five o'clock.
I'd appreciate it if ya'll wouldn't curse in front o my wife.
Oh, you know how them coon dawgs'll get ta howlin!
You see the titties on that one, woo wee lawd!
Ya'll want grits wit them?
That boy crazier than a shine on Sunday!
That beer gonna be more sweeter, cause it's from Atlanta.
What the hell are these people talking about? I may be from Wisconsin where we speak like Canadians on meth, but come on! I can't understand a god damn thing these people say, but the more they drink the more I understand; their drunk is my sober (that's what happens when you cross the Mason Dixon Line). What's even crazier is the more I drink the better they understand me? I don't even understand what the fuck I am saying when I'm blasted and these backwoods sister fuckers are waxing eloquent about moonshinen and noodlin! This chick just told me the special of the day and I think she mentioned something about poop and corn bread?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Alligators are Stupid
Hey Ya'll, well looks like I'm headin South for a few and I couldn't be more excited about the exploratory possibilities of this little trip. Gonna do some investigating in the deepest darkest swamplands of Georgia and I bet there will be alligators in attendance. Have I told you how much I fucking hate alligators? It's really more of a fear than a hatred and it is completely irrational; sure they could tear me limb from limb after they drag me into the murky depths or they could launch themselves out of the water and snag me while taking a nice jog at dusk. All of this is common knowledge and probably no big deal to most of the world, but are you not aware of the true conspiracy they have been hatching... those assholes can read minds and shit! I have heard they can fly and even shoot lasers out of their gaping mouths. All of that other shit is just for t.v. so we get lulled into a false sense of security and then... Steve Irwin!
I am on to these guys, there is nothing good living in the swamps of the deep south. Snakes... fuck those guys, possums... ugly and stupid, alligators... ancient dinosaur aliens from hell and owls are complete bullshit. I guess I am not really sure why I am hiking to certain death but as we learned from the movie Predator "everybody gotta die sometime" and I for one "ain't goin out like dat" (Cypress Hill was awesome), so while you are resting comfortably in your sleep number bed, sipping chamomile and being entranced by "Dancing with the Stars", remember that I will be fighting off gators with my bare hands, strangling snakes and trying to survive in order to protect you from a certain bleak alligator future. See, thanks to alligators I completely forgot why I am going down south... fucking assholes.
I am on to these guys, there is nothing good living in the swamps of the deep south. Snakes... fuck those guys, possums... ugly and stupid, alligators... ancient dinosaur aliens from hell and owls are complete bullshit. I guess I am not really sure why I am hiking to certain death but as we learned from the movie Predator "everybody gotta die sometime" and I for one "ain't goin out like dat" (Cypress Hill was awesome), so while you are resting comfortably in your sleep number bed, sipping chamomile and being entranced by "Dancing with the Stars", remember that I will be fighting off gators with my bare hands, strangling snakes and trying to survive in order to protect you from a certain bleak alligator future. See, thanks to alligators I completely forgot why I am going down south... fucking assholes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Randy Got Invited to a Play?
Tonight I have the privilege of attending a play.
Lets preface this with how much I enjoy watching shitty actors fumble uncomfortably through some contrived dialogue and hanging with theatre people is one of my all time favorite activities. The privileged part is what gets me about this, if it was such a privilege, then why aren't people clamoring to get seats, why haven't I heard of any of these actors (could be because they are so up and coming?) let alone this play and why do I feel more obligated than privileged. I don't even want to go to real plays and this is going to be "intimate" (maybe it's a sex show?) not gonna lie this is going to get uncomfortable for everyone involved. The chances that I accidentally get destroyed on Bombay Sapphire (from the flask I forgot was in my pocket) beforehand are about one million percent and if past performance is any indication of future results...
Why would anyone who has ever spent even a moment in public with this guy be willing to sacrifice their happiness for the disaster that is about to ensue?
Due to the circumstances unfolding before us it would be in everyone's best interest for me to write a drunken review this evening. Wish my hosts good luck and stay tuned.
Lets preface this with how much I enjoy watching shitty actors fumble uncomfortably through some contrived dialogue and hanging with theatre people is one of my all time favorite activities. The privileged part is what gets me about this, if it was such a privilege, then why aren't people clamoring to get seats, why haven't I heard of any of these actors (could be because they are so up and coming?) let alone this play and why do I feel more obligated than privileged. I don't even want to go to real plays and this is going to be "intimate" (maybe it's a sex show?) not gonna lie this is going to get uncomfortable for everyone involved. The chances that I accidentally get destroyed on Bombay Sapphire (from the flask I forgot was in my pocket) beforehand are about one million percent and if past performance is any indication of future results...
Why would anyone who has ever spent even a moment in public with this guy be willing to sacrifice their happiness for the disaster that is about to ensue?
Due to the circumstances unfolding before us it would be in everyone's best interest for me to write a drunken review this evening. Wish my hosts good luck and stay tuned.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Mother Nature Done Me So Wrong
There is nothing I like better than going for a leisurely afternoon stroll in late Fall, the cool crisp Autumn air nipping at my face, the heavy overcast skies blacking out the sun and the realization that precipitation is about to drop from the heavens upon little old me. The other part that makes it so worth while is when I am struck with the notion that I have no wallet (therefore no coffee shop), am a couple of miles from home and our lovely wet friend is hail. Ah yes natures favorite special delivery hail, who doesn't love being pelted in the fucking face with little globules of ice from heaven? I loved every second of it, the part where it was blasting me in the hands, awesome! When my ears were getting destroyed by the bastards, great and the way it was collecting in the collar of my jacket, cooling my neck and keeping me moist, fabulous!
All I can say is... fuck you mother nature, you are an asshole and I hate your guts. After all of the sacrifices I have made to you, you treat me like a red headed step child, there are bruises, bruises for fucks sake! It's cool though because I have been poisoning you with my White Rain Hairspray so take that bitch!!!
All I can say is... fuck you mother nature, you are an asshole and I hate your guts. After all of the sacrifices I have made to you, you treat me like a red headed step child, there are bruises, bruises for fucks sake! It's cool though because I have been poisoning you with my White Rain Hairspray so take that bitch!!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When Technology Failed
Technology has failed me again dammit!
So last week I was just minding my own business and perusing some adult oriented material (for research) on the old Compaq (oh man the coolest looking biker butch just strolled in with her feathered greaser do and shade changer glasses; she is totally hitting on the barista!) when low and behold...BOOM!! The plastic info box blew itself to fucking smithereens!
If I didn't have cat like ninja reflexes I easily could have been killed, but I am awesome and did a dive roll and finished it off with a roundhouse kick to save both my life and the kittens that were trapped in the tree outside my window.
My laptop was a piece of shit anyways, but I still feel betrayed. The doors of technology were being opened to me and I thought we had a bond that could not be severed.
Betrayal is a double edged scimitar though and with the loss of the M2000 I may now step into technology 2010 style. Windows XP was pretty sweet and kept me warm at night, but Vista is like a hot new girlfriend to do sex stuff with!
Admittedly I am a bit overwhelmed by all the features at my disposal and I am not the smartest retard in retard school so there is going to be a little bit of that giddy nervousness (and vomiting… definitely vomiting) every time I fire up HP 6730s. Thankfully technology has dumbed itself down and even Randall J can partake in this brave new world!
Compaq Presario M2000 you will be missed, we shared many beers (probably why you chose to end it all, you did seem a bit depressed of late) and tag teamed a lot of naked ladies, but all good things must come to an end (proven fact)… adios.
Hello HP6730s.
Would you like to go sex up some naughties with me?
You would!
I love you new laptop!
If you ever try to leave me I will spill beer all over you and drop you on the floor…
So last week I was just minding my own business and perusing some adult oriented material (for research) on the old Compaq (oh man the coolest looking biker butch just strolled in with her feathered greaser do and shade changer glasses; she is totally hitting on the barista!) when low and behold...BOOM!! The plastic info box blew itself to fucking smithereens!
If I didn't have cat like ninja reflexes I easily could have been killed, but I am awesome and did a dive roll and finished it off with a roundhouse kick to save both my life and the kittens that were trapped in the tree outside my window.
My laptop was a piece of shit anyways, but I still feel betrayed. The doors of technology were being opened to me and I thought we had a bond that could not be severed.
Betrayal is a double edged scimitar though and with the loss of the M2000 I may now step into technology 2010 style. Windows XP was pretty sweet and kept me warm at night, but Vista is like a hot new girlfriend to do sex stuff with!
Admittedly I am a bit overwhelmed by all the features at my disposal and I am not the smartest retard in retard school so there is going to be a little bit of that giddy nervousness (and vomiting… definitely vomiting) every time I fire up HP 6730s. Thankfully technology has dumbed itself down and even Randall J can partake in this brave new world!
Compaq Presario M2000 you will be missed, we shared many beers (probably why you chose to end it all, you did seem a bit depressed of late) and tag teamed a lot of naked ladies, but all good things must come to an end (proven fact)… adios.
Hello HP6730s.
Would you like to go sex up some naughties with me?
You would!
I love you new laptop!
If you ever try to leave me I will spill beer all over you and drop you on the floor…
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