Yeah the whole world is going to shit as we speak, but whatever man there is still time to fuck shit up... I think?
Earthquakes, Icebergs, Qadaffi's oh my! I'd click my heels together a couple of times and say "there's no place like home" and get the fuck out of Dodge, but I blew my knee to shit so there goes the heel clickin' part and I can think of about a million places to be that are better than my dump-ass apartment so... blah.
If I was still bi-pedal I would hit the mean streets and run some vigilante missions in my neighborhood. There would be all kinda sweet kicks and chops and purse nabbin' goin' down cause I'd be a reverse vigilante, like Death Wish (I love that fuckin' guy).
They wouldn't even need union-busters to get those unruly teachers back in line. I would just stroll over to Madison with my bear sidekick "Bear", and maul the shit out of those bitches. Then when the governor was shaking my hand and about to give us our medals for fuckin' shit up (like Luke and Han in "The Star Wars") we would turn on him and kick the crap out of his buck toothed ass just to prove that you should never trust a bear (did anyone see that Yogi Bear movie? Who the hell green-lighted that pile of shit?) or an Irishman with two legs... when it comes to affairs of the state.
Thankfully I have been dealt a crippling blow that has rendered me impotent of leg powers (my D still works I think so if anybody wants to stop by and do sex on me I'll be up for a bit) and with Lindsay Lohan going back for another round in butch town America doesn't need my super powers of doin' awesome stuff.
What does "Say Yes to Prop 48" mean? Don't know but you just read this crap so it musta sounded important 'n' shit.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lil' Scotty Walker Is A Dick
Oh hello there. I didn't see you sitting directly behind me holding that large knife between my shoulder blades. Well thank you. I hadn't noticed the spider crawling down my back, what would I have done without you? Thanks man you really are a good friend, but was it entirely necessary to stab that spider?
It feels like I am losing a good amount of blood that I was planning on using later, for you know... living.
No! I am not accusing you of anything, just merely inquiring as to why you continue to plunge that knife into my backside... are there more spiders?
Oh okay thank you.
Yeah I'm alright, just getting sleepy.
Where did this pool come from; did you spill the kool-aid? I will nap here for a bit.
Were there really any spiders?
Didn't think so.
Are you still mad at me for disagreeing with you?
Yeah, sorry about that dude; one more thing before I go... You have an ugly face.
Thanks for stabbing me in the back, Lil' Scotty Walker you are a dick!!
I hope when you grow up you can become Governor of a state you move to, but only after you drop out of college, bankrupt a county and do a bunch of rapings and shit.
Well since I have lost the majority of the blood that I was gonna use I should probably die now.
It feels like I am losing a good amount of blood that I was planning on using later, for you know... living.
No! I am not accusing you of anything, just merely inquiring as to why you continue to plunge that knife into my backside... are there more spiders?
Oh okay thank you.
Yeah I'm alright, just getting sleepy.
Where did this pool come from; did you spill the kool-aid? I will nap here for a bit.
Were there really any spiders?
Didn't think so.
Are you still mad at me for disagreeing with you?
Yeah, sorry about that dude; one more thing before I go... You have an ugly face.
Thanks for stabbing me in the back, Lil' Scotty Walker you are a dick!!
I hope when you grow up you can become Governor of a state you move to, but only after you drop out of college, bankrupt a county and do a bunch of rapings and shit.
Well since I have lost the majority of the blood that I was gonna use I should probably die now.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I Don't Even Know What I Am Rambling About?
I hate when I don't feel like writing. It's like a fisherman not wanting to fish or a porn star not wanting to gobble down several feet of fluffed cock, but this is where I find myself. All of my efforts have been focused upon an athletic endeavor and being the wondrous creature I am can only focus on this singular feat. Drinking has taken a backseat, banging... backseat and caring has also found itself tossed into the abyss of empty Starbucks receptacles and gym shoes formerly known as "the backseat". Next week I hope to find myself knee deep in Gin-tacular idiocy and forgotten moments of grandiose proportions or at least just really drunk with my pants around my ankles (don't you hate cankles... fuckin' gross!). Even though sleep once again has begun to elude me, I will not allow the temptations of scrumtrulescent chocolate chip cookies or.... Ok fuck all this, behaving myself is complete shit! You know what else sucks a big fat dick? Watching a fat bald dude cruise around Chicago stuffing his ass looking face and making coitus related sounds every time he takes a bite of a sheep's brain or freeze dried whatever the fuck that was. I would turn the channel, but Larry The Cable Guy is telling me what happens "Only In America" on the History Channel and the plastic princess is waxing idiotic over on E. All I really want to do right now is jam pizza down my craw, drink some brew and bury my face in something feminine, but instead I punish myself with mind numbing television and the dream of worldly pleasures that are temporarily out of reach.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Idol Spoiler Alert!!!
I have really been slacking lately and I just feel horrible about it! I know you have all been waiting with baited breath (Do you think that was a literal terminology at one point? Like some dumb-ass medieval serf's job was to tie wax worms to his fucking tongue and dunk his head into the lake and wait for some tasty perch to swim by? I bet it was, those people were complete idiots.) for me to deliver the message that has been passed unto me from The Great One Above (Jeff Goldblum).
Jeff wants you guys to know that all is going according to plan in Egypt and a new Pharaoh shall ascend the temple throne in the immediate future. He is really looking forward to setting up this new dynasty and wants all you guys to jump on board, so start tweeting!
Jeff says the new season of Idol is going to be a major tear jerker with about four or five Danny Gokey's to root for. Spoiler alert!!! All of the those impossibly pathetic makeover cases with the heavenly voices that magically appear from the underbelly of America every time a new season begins are just that! Angels, they are god-damn angels! I was just as surprised as you are, but it makes sense.
Jeff is adamant that we don't get overly concerned for Deion Sanders in his time of need. He says Deion is like the biblical character Job and He is testing his faith by relieving him of his worldly possessions. It may seem a little harsh, but this is how He shows us His love, by taking stuff away from black people.
2011 is going to be a great year and Jeff wants you guys to live it up since He will be destroying much of the planet next year. How the signs were ignored still perplexes me, he gave us life saving guidance in such picture stories as: The Fly, Jurassic Park, Independence Day and his numerous recurring television roles as the exceptionally smart nerd who figures shit out.
Jeff does love you and wants you to keep enjoying the musical stylings of Justin Bieber (His Son, illegitimate though so no worries, his other son, Usher is the one who will save us.), Taylor Swift and all that other crap you kids listen too (Jeff's words not mine, I love this Nicky Minaj person... great talent.). That is pretty much it for now; I did try to find out if The Social Network was going to win every Oscar since it was such an amazing film and JT's acting was unreal, but he just giggled, kept sipping his latte and whispered " Internet, I'd say internet" seriously, WTF?
Jeff wants you guys to know that all is going according to plan in Egypt and a new Pharaoh shall ascend the temple throne in the immediate future. He is really looking forward to setting up this new dynasty and wants all you guys to jump on board, so start tweeting!
Jeff says the new season of Idol is going to be a major tear jerker with about four or five Danny Gokey's to root for. Spoiler alert!!! All of the those impossibly pathetic makeover cases with the heavenly voices that magically appear from the underbelly of America every time a new season begins are just that! Angels, they are god-damn angels! I was just as surprised as you are, but it makes sense.
Jeff is adamant that we don't get overly concerned for Deion Sanders in his time of need. He says Deion is like the biblical character Job and He is testing his faith by relieving him of his worldly possessions. It may seem a little harsh, but this is how He shows us His love, by taking stuff away from black people.
2011 is going to be a great year and Jeff wants you guys to live it up since He will be destroying much of the planet next year. How the signs were ignored still perplexes me, he gave us life saving guidance in such picture stories as: The Fly, Jurassic Park, Independence Day and his numerous recurring television roles as the exceptionally smart nerd who figures shit out.
Jeff does love you and wants you to keep enjoying the musical stylings of Justin Bieber (His Son, illegitimate though so no worries, his other son, Usher is the one who will save us.), Taylor Swift and all that other crap you kids listen too (Jeff's words not mine, I love this Nicky Minaj person... great talent.). That is pretty much it for now; I did try to find out if The Social Network was going to win every Oscar since it was such an amazing film and JT's acting was unreal, but he just giggled, kept sipping his latte and whispered " Internet, I'd say internet" seriously, WTF?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Report: Blizzard 2011
Hello friends, my that was some blizzard last evening was it not?
Lets have sharing time now. This is how it works, I will regale you with tales from last nights sojourn into the white death and you will enjoy it or get beat up for being an idiot.
First some advice for those of you who even though television and radio had given dedicated coverage to the Noreaster for about twenty four hours or so, still had no clue that the storm of the century was approaching.
Example: Guy with fogged up glasses driving the '88 Ford Handi-Van, rust bucket that I pushed out of the snow...
Maybe the fogged up Coke bottle specs and dirty Packers jacket with matching cap (it's called a washing machine... idiot) should have been an indicator that you were a Faulknerian man-child; or the toothless, mouth agape, blank ass stare when I asked you to "please back up" so myself and the other good Samaritans could assist in dislodging your piece of shit could have been a clue. It may have even been when instead of backing up you just scratched your head and kept on gunning it, which clearly had worked so well to that point. I'm sure you had to get somewhere important (like the shower) or had a speech on string theory to deliver at the University, because you dashed off into the night without saying thank you or even turning on your headlights. Next time there is a blizzard of epic proportions on the horizon do all of us a favor and forget where you placed the keys to the land-boat or just kill your fucking self because you suck. Dinner was nearly ruined, my shoes got all wet and beer was spilled all on account of you.
Example: Kids with no coats walking down the middle of the snowy street rapping...
Hmm, this was obviously a well thought out plan and your rhymes were amazing!. It was rather enjoyable watching you nearly get run over a dozen times while struggling to keep your damn pants up, it was clearly the motorists' fault for practically ending your valuable existence (you guys may be the next G-Unit)) when you stopped to holla at your boy. I also realized how tough you are when that truck had to stop because you were in rap-zone while not attempting to cross the street and you called the Caucasian driver a "Nigga" and shot at him with your two finger gun. When you plan your next venture into snow-town make sure you don't wear a belt, or any winter gear of any sort and promise me you will have more slick rhymes to shout while walking down the middle of the road and one more thing... remember to go fuck yourselves because you suck. Someone should have hit all of you just to teach your parents a lesson.
This blizzard may have been hazardous to some, but it is bringing out the best in me. Now it is your turn to share.
Lets have sharing time now. This is how it works, I will regale you with tales from last nights sojourn into the white death and you will enjoy it or get beat up for being an idiot.
First some advice for those of you who even though television and radio had given dedicated coverage to the Noreaster for about twenty four hours or so, still had no clue that the storm of the century was approaching.
Example: Guy with fogged up glasses driving the '88 Ford Handi-Van, rust bucket that I pushed out of the snow...
Maybe the fogged up Coke bottle specs and dirty Packers jacket with matching cap (it's called a washing machine... idiot) should have been an indicator that you were a Faulknerian man-child; or the toothless, mouth agape, blank ass stare when I asked you to "please back up" so myself and the other good Samaritans could assist in dislodging your piece of shit could have been a clue. It may have even been when instead of backing up you just scratched your head and kept on gunning it, which clearly had worked so well to that point. I'm sure you had to get somewhere important (like the shower) or had a speech on string theory to deliver at the University, because you dashed off into the night without saying thank you or even turning on your headlights. Next time there is a blizzard of epic proportions on the horizon do all of us a favor and forget where you placed the keys to the land-boat or just kill your fucking self because you suck. Dinner was nearly ruined, my shoes got all wet and beer was spilled all on account of you.
Example: Kids with no coats walking down the middle of the snowy street rapping...
Hmm, this was obviously a well thought out plan and your rhymes were amazing!. It was rather enjoyable watching you nearly get run over a dozen times while struggling to keep your damn pants up, it was clearly the motorists' fault for practically ending your valuable existence (you guys may be the next G-Unit)) when you stopped to holla at your boy. I also realized how tough you are when that truck had to stop because you were in rap-zone while not attempting to cross the street and you called the Caucasian driver a "Nigga" and shot at him with your two finger gun. When you plan your next venture into snow-town make sure you don't wear a belt, or any winter gear of any sort and promise me you will have more slick rhymes to shout while walking down the middle of the road and one more thing... remember to go fuck yourselves because you suck. Someone should have hit all of you just to teach your parents a lesson.
This blizzard may have been hazardous to some, but it is bringing out the best in me. Now it is your turn to share.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)