As most of you know I have been out on a little adventure to the Souther parts of this wonderful nation and since I am the number one traveler in the world... I will share some of my secrets with you for a guaranteed great-cation!
First of all lets pick the exact destination: Go South, no place in particular because the South is all the same and this is your adventure; don't try to copy me as all my trips have been copy-written and I will sue you.
Make a vacation budget: Now double it and add twenty bucks then factor it by three for moonshine and hookers, that is your budget.
Take strides to learn the local language: In the South they speak Shit-mouth; the best way to familiarize yourself with it is to watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" and the show where they hunt alligators. Always speak with the local accent it's flattering to them; so practice!!
Buy a flight: The ones with the most layovers are the best and will prevent frustration. I am a seasoned traveler and always fly standby, but you can't do that.
Ready to go, but pack lightly because you are going to buy most of your clothes at souvenir shops at your destination, make sure they have the name of the city on it and a sweet slogan about partying or grannies or trucks. You are going to need this to camouflage yourself from robbers.
Flying is easy, tell the person sitting next to you your life story and all about your work and kids, do not let them fall asleep as nearly 2.1 million people die from flight sleep annually.
When you depart the plane don't bother following the signs or instructions, just keep asking where the baggage carousel is and start purchasing shit you have a budget to spend!!
My years of traveling experience have given me a wealth of knowledge about every single place on the globe, even if I haven't been there physically; I have mind-traveled there (this is an advanced traveler technique that only Rod Stewart, Billy Joel and I can perform). So as not to overwhelm you this will be a three part advice bible. Follow what I have given you and there is absolutely no way that your adventure will let you down, also buy all of your drugs locally, usually drug dealers from the region can give you the best tips on where to get seafood.
Coming Soon... Hotel Check In
Very insightful writing
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