God is Pretty Badass

All things are mine because I am His.
What the Fuck does that even mean?
So I have been perusing other blogs again to see how the other half lives and I keep getting stuck on all these Christian blogs! Wow, this guy wants to know the mind of God, but if I am not mistaken couldn't that get him cast out of Heaven ? I'm just saying is all, I have read "The Good Book" and with all the sexings, headchoppings and shit blowing up it is a pretty good book.
Like that time when David was peeping on his buddy's chick because he wanted to bang her and God was like "OK Dave if you wanna bang that chick with the sweet boobies you have to kill some sheep for me and get me some virgin poon so we can trade off, but I go first man" That was a good story.
Or when God was droning on about who begat who and then, BANG! He starts chopping dudes' dicks off!
How about that time when He told Abraham and his crew to "Go down to Sodom and fuck shit up, but don't bang any dudes or I will be really pissed" and Abraham's bro wasn't paying attention and thought that tranny was hot (not really his fault). So God sent in an airstrike of angels... AWESOME!!!
I do understand these people wanting to serve under the Lord and give him sweet handers and shit and I like Kirk Cameron too, but I think God might be using some of these people for his own benefit.
Remember when he told his Son (Jesus) to go to the temple and fuck up the tax collectors and take all of their dough and then build a big statue? Come on that is just a little self serving.
How about making everyone eat his Son's flesh and drink his blood, I bet he did that because vampires are all cool right now and kids will want to be Christians instead of vampires.
Well anyways this God guy is on top of his shit, he bangs all the hotties, will live forever, has bad ass flowing locks and he can fly!
Who wouldn't want to hang out with Him... I know I do

Amazing Discoveries

So I spent a good portion of this evening reading other blogs and I have made a startling discovery. Apparently I do not have any children? From this evenings explorations I have gleaned that there is an assload of goddam amazing lil fuckers out there! Almost every blog is dedicated to the exciting world of everyone's child prodigy! With the total number of unbelievable acts of brilliance, balance and some other fucking b-word that I can't think of right now it's pretty hard to believe that anything has yet to be accomplished by the human race.
Here are some mind blowing accomplishments:

"Aidan saw the most beautiful butterfly, pointed to it and said " momma ucky". Wow Aidan with your amazing sense of whatever you might knock up some cheerleader your senior year.

"Kaelyn took three steps fell over... picked herself up and and took three more steps!!" Holy shit Kaelyn you discovered the gravitational pull of Earth's molten core, now if you could just learn to walk you may be able to escape from the coyotes in the backyard.

"This morning when I went downstairs to the bathroom Devon had tried to use the big boy potty, he missed, but he was so proud of himself that he smiled!" Oh boy Devon when you get your first pair of glasses maybe you can hit the toilet dumbass. Don't worry lil buddy you will spend most of your drunken adult life doing the same, but mommy will still love you.

I just can't stop being amazed at all of these amazing children and their amazing discoveries. Isn't it amazing that all the millions of children born every single year are so much more amazing than all the other amazing children? It is hard to discern which of these wonderkids was the most amazing, but I know that If I did have children they would be way more amazing than your stupid fucking kids!!

Monday Nights Were Made for Watching...

Like most of the Upper Midwest I too was drawn into the quasi-pugilistic endeavor known as last nights American football match. The copious amounts of wheat whiskey that were used to lubricate my shout muscles additionally lubed up the old throwing and smashing things joints, but all of the pizza I shoveled into the cry hole quelled those demons and left them wimpering on the elongated throne. Now, I am not even known for partaking in such Tomfoolery (who is this Tom guy anyway) and last night a floodgate was opened that not even the Army Corp of Engineers could sandbag (can you say New Orleans). Truly this cannot be in anyone's best interest for me to be involved in any sort of sport watching thingy. Admittedly I have the self control of George Michael at a truckstop (hopefully I won't be sucking any trucker dick, I've heard they can be pretty smooth though), but that will not prevent me from enjoying the dirty fruits of my alcoholic labor.
This is going to be sweet, I already feel awesome and now I can kick the week off in a drunken stupor and be a total success. Monday Night Football may be the cause of countless 911 spousal abuse calls, but this is finally going to get me involved around the water cooler on Tuesdays.
Soon I can join in all of the witty office banter about Idol and Glee and maybe even a little The Office and it is all thanks to Monday Night Football (or whatever the fuck it is called now). If I had known that football would improve my social life this much I would have started this process years ago. There is a pretty good chance this will get me a coveted invite to happy hour at Applebee's and I have seen those commercials... talk about fun! So thank you Monday Night Football if I do ever have a spouse I will abuse the shit out of her when my team loses.
Viva America!!!!

Where Was I Going With This?

I was going to write about this old woman who had on a pair of kick ass glasses like all the cool kids are wearing now, only hers are the real deal and they are prescription because that's what glasses are for (trust me you do not look cool with those things on dumbass). They made her eyes look all huge and shit and so everytime she smiled she looked like a retarded kid dumping a load in his pants, but the internet was down at the fucking cafe so that put a stop to the process.
Now I have to sit here at my house and pretend to be inspired (do you really need inspirado to type a fucking blog) while I look at the stupid dogs sniffing their own asses (maybe cats would be less annoying, there was that poster for free ones...), even If I could sniff my own anus, I would probably do it once, get bored and start jerking off or something.
It's all fall like outside and the leaves are changing from green to shades of crimson and... wrong! I hate fall this shit blows, anyone who says fall is their favorite season should have a fucking lobotomy! Yes the leaves are changing... because they are dying, pretty sure nobody looks at a dude with jaundice and says " oh how wonderful Dave's skin is turning yellow! like all the colors of autumn".
You know that in a week or two there will be that inevitable warm spell and we will call it Indian Summer (Indians only get a week, because we needed the rest to grow some corn and shit that they lent us) and everyone will put on their flip flops and shorts again, but bitch that it's warm out and how much they love fall or how we don't even have four seasons anymore just summer and winter.
Fall is not beautiful, it's more like old people at the nursing home waiting for their foot to fall off from the diabetes, but they are the wheelchair that they push around with the good foot and they still get to hang in the day room waiting for family and friends to visit (Indian Summer) only they can't make it Sunday because the pack is on at noon.
I just started getting into this watching football and drinking beers on Sunday thing and it's actually pretty lame, the only good part is that it is totally acceptable to be fucking smashed during the day! I have tried the other days of the week and someone is always judging me or pulling me over or telling me to sleep in my own yard, but not on Sunday... now I know what Jesus was talking about.

Woman

There was a fat woman who lived in a shoe (actually next door to me),
She had so many chidren, she didn't know what to do?
So, she went to college got a nursing degree and raised all thirteen children herself and became an American success story!
Just kidding, she went to Wal Mart and bought a shit ton of Cheetos and Mountain Dew... and condoms, definitely condoms.
Just kidding, she didn't buy any condoms, but she did get a new Winnie the Pooh sweater and a Twix bar.

Happy Day/Orphan Annie

Here is a photograph that was taken of me at the County Fair, pretty sweet ain't it? That was such a lovely day, nobody even died on any rides.
Do you like my flower?
There were a lot of pertty girls there.
I will probably give this flower to one of those girls by the cow barns... or to my mom.
My shoes are dirty from all the cow pooh, but I don't mind. (I only puked once this time).

Ok I was really enjoying this little piece about the guy with the can flower, but this annoying girl sitting across from me won't shut up, from what I hear she is an amazing wedding photographer and no one is as creative as she is!
She looks like orphan fucking Annie and is wearing like a bibbed overall outfit, with this Raggedy Anne type blue, red and white plaid blouse and those converse low tops... so original!
OMG she read all the Twilight books in like a day and a half, because they were so easy.
"Did you get those images of the dusk shoot "( I bet that wasn't inspired by the Twilight books)?
Why do I even come here?
Now I completely forgot what was going on in awesome guys head, good job Orphan Raggedy Anne, you suck!
At least I have the photograph... dammit.

Beer N Shingles (the day after yesterday)

So I wrote this back when I had the shingles!

Another lovely day has come and gone in this North American home I like to call the United Stated of… Paradise! I mean where else could I be charged more than a weeks salary to see the local medicine man to have the gifts of health and wellness blown upon me from his magic elixir bottle? Mexico, Uruguay, Pakistan, maybe Mongolia? I highly doubt it; so shingles be damned this is the good ole US of P!!!!

Alright I have to admit I drank a few too many of those wonderful beers yesterday afternoon; sometimes it helps to grease the old brain sprockets, so today just one will suffice and it happens to be a fantastic little porter, it’s a little bit hoppy for my taste, but this is called Beer N Shingles not Juice N Herpes.

 Before picking up where I left off yesterday I need to tell you some exciting news; I saw the coolest kid I have ever seen in my entire fucking life and just blocks away from my house (I know, perfect day)! He was totally awesome, probably about five five or so, 140 pounds, just massive… his hair had this blonde dye job like Eminem used to sport before he sold out and it was slicked forward so you knew that if you messed with him you would get cut; there was the coolest, thin stache n beard deal growing around his face area and he had on these shades (definitely D&G) so you couldn’t tell if he was faded; his black, oversized T said, I don’t need to fill this shit out cause I’m a bad motherfucka, look at my swagger dog! The way he rolled his bony right fist into the left (black guys do that shit, you can tell he hangs out with one) hollered damn Nword(that’s how he talks)  I’m hard as shit! That’s when I crossed the street, no sense getting my ass kicked. Not to mention he had on those basketball shorts that don’t fit up over your ass cause your dick is so fucking huge (like black dudes) plus they almost hit the ground, but not quite, just to show that he uses his fists and not his feet cause he never walks away! And those  Adidas flip flops with the dirty white ankle socks, the kind that are all like look at this shit dog, you will get fucked up so look the fuck down bro! I know I know I’m gushing, but he wasn’t done being a bad ass, there was a serious piece of neck wear dangling around that boys collar bones it had to be platinum, at least a 1000 carrots. Homey listen, this kid could easily beat up twelve ninjas, and if he wasn’t faded at least thirteen. I bet he’s got a really hot girlfriend.

Do you know what the coolest part of having shingles is? No… didn’t think so, idiot. It’s probably your older brother thinking you jumped into a 70’s time machine (no, not a time machine to the 70’s, I’m quoting) so you could join in some cocaine fueled, disco orgy where even a machete can’t cut a swath large enough to stave off the VD. What a dick, I am definitely not buying him a beer when he returns from defending the motherland against the Saracen horde; he can fend for himself and drink PBR’s with all the other cool guys who wear little glasses. What kind of role model is this guy? He’s not the one sitting here with a lymph node that looks like grandma’s goiter hanging off the side of his fucking neck! That asshole would probably be whining and bitching up a storm, oh I can’t feel the left side of my face, my ear is on fire, my neck hurts, I look retarded and smell; me, me, me, me, well what about me?

Vigo Mortensen

Hey Vigo, how’s it going man?

So I rented The Road last night,

Yep, the one where you played that dirty guy and you can’t tell how old you are because life has just been so hard on you since that catastrophe happened.

What did I think?

Yep, totally man.

 Hey did you read that book?

Are you sure…

Godammit man a bird just fuckin shit on my arm!

What the fuck Vigo Mortensen now I can’t even go in the grocery store and buy my kids Cheerios and they love Cheerios asshole!

No, I can’t just wipe it off, you wipe it off!

It’s your fault.

I loved you in Eastern Promises

The Sweet Smell of...

Success

Did some work today.

It was pretty hot out though,

So didn’t do it very well,

Been thinkin bout movin down South

Changes

Baby, I think we should talk.
I know that I have been acting distant lately.
I can't imagine how that makes you feel and I am very broken up about this.
There is just so much that has happened of late and I don't think I can trust you any more.
Let me speak please. Volume down... thank you.
It's not me, It is you!
Seriously the fucking Kardashians, how could you?
Sons of Anarchy? Nobody even dies on that show, they're like the A-Team, minus the badass welded shit!
I don't care if other people like your friend Two and a Half Men, that's Ducky for fucks sake... Ducky!
What the hell happened to you TV? You used to be fun and I loved you.
You brought Brett Michaels into our home, into our bedroom and I cannot forgive you for that.
I think we need to go on a break.
No, I will stay in the spare bedroom with the VCR.
A least I can watch those old tapes of Airwolf.

Just so you know I have been with Hulu for almost a year now and I think I may love her.

Advice To Live By

People are always coming to me and saying, hey Randall James Sharpe, you are the smartest person I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with, I have heard that you can see the future and shit and was just wondering if you could give me some advice on how to live my life exactly like you do so I will be exactly as happy and successful at life as you are.
To most of us that would seem like a dream come true, but along with carrying the burden of being the most smartest person I know comes a great deal of worry. So I have decided to write a generalized advice column that can be used in any situation.

Situation: Excuse me Mr. Randy, I just accidentally ran over my sons beloved cat, he is away on a sleepover at the Catholic Church and will be back Sunday. What should I do?
Advice: This one is obvious... hide for a couple days. When your son gets back from the rapings and sees that you have left he will be so overcome with guilt that he will forget all about the cat. Upon your return tell him you were kidnapped and barely escaped, only a selfish son would bring up the missing cat now.

Situation: Mr. Randy, I had a few to many Appletinis last night and slept with my wife's really hot sister, I feel so guilty should I tell my wife?
Advice: Don't drink Appletinis dumbshit, drink whiskey straight up and then do a shit ton of blow, this will counteract the effects of the xanax; then tell your wife that her sister is a skank and on qualudes, tell the hot sister that your wife neglects you and is a meany, keep on banging the hot one and convince your wife that she is fat so she will work out and get hot again, that way it all works out.

Situation: Mr. Randy, I really dislike my job and I think my boss is incompetent. Should I start looking for a new career?
Advice: Invite your boss out for lunch and slip some rat poison in his sandwich and in his soda (better put some in the fries too), when he starts foaming at the mouth shout "call 911" and start pounding on his chest  as if you knew CPR. Make sure to cry a little bit so you don't look like a suspect. When the cops ask you what happened tell them there was a black guy in the restaurant.

Simple answers for simple problems.
Stay healthy America and keep on reaching for the stars.

Carny Insurance

Good morning America how are ya?
Don't ya know me?
I'm the Irish kid who used to beat you up in the third grade and made fun of your mangled teeth!
What you didn't know was that due to lack of peat the peat farm was failing, the potatoes were always running out and pa had a penchant for the Whiskey, so now don't you feel terrible for my 22 brothers and I? Next time you grow up America just take the beatings and verbal rapings, because that Hispanic kid down the street who keeps stealing your bicycle may just become Secretary of Transportation some day.

P.S. I am sorry that I banged your girlfriend in high school and knocked her up... My dad is still stronger than your dad; hey did you ever get braces?

So I have been looking into this Carny issue from Labor Day. It would seem like a pretty tight career choice and all with a ton of potential benefits, but get this, there is no such thing as Carny Insurance!? What kind of America are we living in where we don't have Carny Insurance. You can most assuredly guarantee that they have Gypsy Insurance in the E.U. How irresponsible we have become in this 21st of centuries, George Washington would be spinning in his grave if he knew that his beloved bearded lady (not Martha) had no prescription plan! Even though Carnies are one of our lesser recognized minorities (somewhere close to Inuipac Eskimos I believe) we cannot let them fall through the cracks of bureaucracy. The time has come to recognize the contributions made by these miscreants; sure they smell bad, are high as shit while running the tilt-o-whirl and that guy wasn't even close to guessing my age and weight (it's 33 and 170 asshole), but they are still Americans! Since every single other American has affordable, all encompassing, umbrella coverage insurance the Carny should be treated as no less a citizen.

Just some thoughts for Labor Day

Hangin in the Cafe and Watchin the World Go By

It's Labor Day and I am bored as shit, the weather sucks and I was planning on going to the County Fair to watch the demolition derby tonight, so I hope it clears up. There was a brief moment in my life (18 years) where I found the fair unbearable, but these days it just makes sense. The fair is America in all its cholesteroled glory (I think I made that word up, better look into it), it's like a circus sideshow; only like a  million times better! If I do get to attend I am going to eat the shit out of food on sticks and hang out with the old Freemasons and Knights of Columbus guys.
When the time comes I should definitely become a carny, do you have to apply for that job? What is the job description? hang out, smoke cigs, meet sweet chicks, do meth, travel the side roads of America? That all sounds great to me, better do some research tonight at the county fair so I can make a sound business decision.

All these coffe shop distractions are getting at me

Good thing I'm sitting inside right now, because it is raining cats and dogs outside and the sidewalk is a bloody mess!

Why bother drinking Diet Coke when you are eating a cinnamon roll?

Purple socks look sweet on cankles.

Martha Stewart should change the name of all of her product lines, I mean she did do hard time so drop the pretentious g and call it Martha Stewart Livin and Martha Stewart Everdyay should be called Stuff for Fat Chicks to Look at and Never Do Illustrated. Those seem pretty gangster to me.

The best part of sitting here all day is listening to the loud talker drone on about herself and her accomplishments. It's really a wonder the other people at her table haven't smashed her laptop over her stupid, glasses wearing face or shoved those damn high-liters in that flapping gape of a mouth. SHE DID GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE you know and by the way... not every statement should sound like a question???

How come kids are still wearing skinny jeans and how are they possibly hanging off of their asses?

My mocha tastes like hot chocolate.

I like the old lady with the lipstick smears... she's not crazy, she's just a little shaky

I think those two are dating. They definitely should not have children because they would be uuuggly!

This 70's soundtrack is pretty badass no way I ever want to listen to anything else.

Love... American Style

My neighbors clothes are all over the front yard?
This dapper gentleman lives a mere two doors from me with his number one sweet lady.
I assume that he is rendering service to this beauty and is a verifiable pimp of the highest distinction.
What a surprise to my delicate sensibilities that Tyrone be cheatin!
I heard just this afternoon whilst he arrived to retrieve his wardrobe from the lawn
"You ain't even aksk me to go out wif you no more an I heard you been hangin wif dat ho! Fuck You Tyrone!"
Fuck Me, not you Tyrone?
This troubles me as I believed this man whose love for the large, fairskinned Heffers put him on an unparelleled plateau of loyalty and respect.
but, alas it would appear that even Lord Tyrone has fallen.
Pick up that flip flop Tyrone, Hang thy head in shame and remember.
"Don't nobody fuck round on me, I ain't payin dat cell bill no mo, an Ima take back them speakers an rims from the truck!"
Oh Tyrone, don't fret there will be more manatees to run your boat over and the scars that are left behind will heal in time.
Now pull up those boxers and walk on son, walk on

TV has destroyed my mindhead

Like most children of the '80s I watched a lot of televeision. I am talking countless hours a day in front of that wood grained Zenith (and it was) radioactive tube and not surprisingly all those old episodes of Macguyver, the A-Team and of course Family Ties keep crawling out of the depths of the sludge known as my thinkin box area. It would appear that the trend has continued...

Swimming… In the Amazon


I should probably never go swimming in the Amazon.

It’s true, it looks totally bad ass and everything; all those half naked Indians with the cool haircuts splashing around like little monkeys at the zoo, the sweltering heat, the mosquitoes as big as eagles.

I was kinda thinking about going… just to check it out no big deal, but then I watched this show on the Discovery Channel where this totally tough looking Mexican guy was fishing and decided to cool off. Low and behold he must have thought he was in the shower cause… he peed (clearly he doesn’t have cable or he would have known better), probably not his best move of the day, that was obviously when he was chewing on a Cuban and grinning like Hannibal (try to fix this one A-team) cause he knew a plan was coming together and he really enjoys that.

If he had attended an American university or had a solid satellite signal, this could have been avoided.

You know he was happy as shit too when he was releasing the golden glory all over those stupid fucking fish.

Vengeance comes swiftly in the Amazon my Mexican friend, just go back to your fishing and smoking while the Amazon’s invisible dick ninja settles in for a dish of hot steamy revenge… IN YOUR PENIS.

All of this set my head a spinning, I pee in the shower… like a lot! I pee in the pool, the lake, the toilet, if there is water I will pee in it. This is a serious issue here man, I have even peed in my pants cause it was raining. There are really only two ways to avoid Juan’s fate: One would be to wear a condom while swimming in the Amazon; the problem with that is… I would get all boned up because I’m thirty three and I would see one of those hot Amazon haircut chicks and then I would have to jerk off (obviously) and who wears a condom while pleasuring oneself (Mormons) next thing you know... The only other possible option is to stop peeing in the shower, which is probably not gonna happen, I am way to far into this thing, it’s a lifestyle now, no turning back. I mean Juan survived, probably because he looked totally awesome, but that thing chewed up his urethra and almost cost him his junk! I don’t look half as tough as Jerry and I don’t smoke cigars which puts me way behind in the cool guy game.

I don’t think I want to go swimming in the Amazon anymore