Advice To Live By

People are always coming to me and saying, hey Randall James Sharpe, you are the smartest person I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with, I have heard that you can see the future and shit and was just wondering if you could give me some advice on how to live my life exactly like you do so I will be exactly as happy and successful at life as you are.
To most of us that would seem like a dream come true, but along with carrying the burden of being the most smartest person I know comes a great deal of worry. So I have decided to write a generalized advice column that can be used in any situation.

Situation: Excuse me Mr. Randy, I just accidentally ran over my sons beloved cat, he is away on a sleepover at the Catholic Church and will be back Sunday. What should I do?
Advice: This one is obvious... hide for a couple days. When your son gets back from the rapings and sees that you have left he will be so overcome with guilt that he will forget all about the cat. Upon your return tell him you were kidnapped and barely escaped, only a selfish son would bring up the missing cat now.

Situation: Mr. Randy, I had a few to many Appletinis last night and slept with my wife's really hot sister, I feel so guilty should I tell my wife?
Advice: Don't drink Appletinis dumbshit, drink whiskey straight up and then do a shit ton of blow, this will counteract the effects of the xanax; then tell your wife that her sister is a skank and on qualudes, tell the hot sister that your wife neglects you and is a meany, keep on banging the hot one and convince your wife that she is fat so she will work out and get hot again, that way it all works out.

Situation: Mr. Randy, I really dislike my job and I think my boss is incompetent. Should I start looking for a new career?
Advice: Invite your boss out for lunch and slip some rat poison in his sandwich and in his soda (better put some in the fries too), when he starts foaming at the mouth shout "call 911" and start pounding on his chest  as if you knew CPR. Make sure to cry a little bit so you don't look like a suspect. When the cops ask you what happened tell them there was a black guy in the restaurant.

Simple answers for simple problems.
Stay healthy America and keep on reaching for the stars.