Like most of the Upper Midwest I too was drawn into the quasi-pugilistic endeavor known as last nights American football match. The copious amounts of wheat whiskey that were used to lubricate my shout muscles additionally lubed up the old throwing and smashing things joints, but all of the pizza I shoveled into the cry hole quelled those demons and left them wimpering on the elongated throne. Now, I am not even known for partaking in such Tomfoolery (who is this Tom guy anyway) and last night a floodgate was opened that not even the Army Corp of Engineers could sandbag (can you say New Orleans). Truly this cannot be in anyone's best interest for me to be involved in any sort of sport watching thingy. Admittedly I have the self control of George Michael at a truckstop (hopefully I won't be sucking any trucker dick, I've heard they can be pretty smooth though), but that will not prevent me from enjoying the dirty fruits of my alcoholic labor.
This is going to be sweet, I already feel awesome and now I can kick the week off in a drunken stupor and be a total success. Monday Night Football may be the cause of countless 911 spousal abuse calls, but this is finally going to get me involved around the water cooler on Tuesdays.
Soon I can join in all of the witty office banter about Idol and Glee and maybe even a little The Office and it is all thanks to Monday Night Football (or whatever the fuck it is called now). If I had known that football would improve my social life this much I would have started this process years ago. There is a pretty good chance this will get me a coveted invite to happy hour at Applebee's and I have seen those commercials... talk about fun! So thank you Monday Night Football if I do ever have a spouse I will abuse the shit out of her when my team loses.
Viva America!!!!
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