Totally About Jesus

"And then Jesus did some shit and he felt totally better than he did before Jesus stopped by to build his deck"-  The Bible Book

I'm not saying that I am Jesus, because who would want to be that fucking guy anyway? He never scored any sweet tail or partied in a hot tub with large breasted ladies; people were always trying to kill his hippie ass (even hippies hate hippies) and get free healing out of him (oh fix my legs, I have leprosy, I am dead, I don't have any money, ahhhh... total bs, was he even a dr.?)! I'm just saying that in general my existence has been far more rewarding and praise-ful than the long haired wonder from Bethlehem's was. I would much rather be regaled with tales of debauchery and drunken mishaps than being chastised for kicking ass and bangin' bar sluts.
Not once have I had to turn water into wine to impress my friends, they just feed me booze and watch what happens and without fail, magic (just like Jesus)! I also think my friends are way cooler than his, if they saw me walking on the water they would never cower in a corner and beg for forgiveness like pussies; they would throw shit at me 'til I lost my balance and drown in the waves, because that would be funny as hell and that is what real friends do!
As far as this whole dying on a cross deal goes I think it is pretty obvious that I would give up my spot for any one of them and thank the shit out of them for helpin' a "brotha" out, and besides what a waste of good firewood and hemp rope we could have had a bonfire with that stuff and invited some country girls over for my delicious wine-water.
Now if I am gonna die for some fools it'll be foiling a bank robbery or saving kids from a bus trapped in a flooded river... something a little more epic and bad ass; not basting in the sun between two toothless 'tards waiting for the crows to pick my bones clean.
I know this may sound a little far fetched and some people are totally into this guy, but try me out for a bit. I really don't ask much: No need for a big fancy building, we can hang just about anywhere. If you want to give me money I will take it, but not necessary and no need to ask me to talk to my dad for you; he only lives an hour away. I will make a great object to focus your thoughts upon and when I let you down you will know it was because I was drunk and that you should only pray to me after ten a.m. but before eight p.m. All that being said I would just like you to consider me as an option when you are choosing something to put all of your faith and irrational fears upon. I may not save you or help you in the least, but it's only because I don't like you or care!!!