Happy Birthday Buddy!
Hey I know that it is like totally your birthday 'n' shit, but I would like it if you would give me some presents so that I don't feel left out.
My birthday is quickly approaching and I am not planning on getting any of you anything, probably due to the fact that it is a celebration of me and my accomplishments.
Here are just a couple of "things" I have achieved in my lifetime.
Blew the fuck out of the Berlin Wall; I was getting tired of listening to all those Russians playing Duran Duran tapes... her name was Rio and she had AIDS (which I cured, but lost the recipe in a brothel in Thailand) bro, get over it!
Kicked a big ass hole in the Titanic; Those assholes were taunting me with the whole "ship that cannot be sunk" business, yeah I sank the fuck out of that steel tub and drowned Leonardo DiCaprio because I hated him as Luke on "Growing Pains."
Punched JFK's head off; he was bangin' my chick and that was not cool dude, watch the video it is all choppy and edited to shit. I made Lee take the rap 'cause he was acting like a pussy.
Walked on the fuckin' moon; that was a no brainer, I let Armstrong go first 'cause he beat me at poker and I would have left his ass in the Sea of Tranquility, but I still owed him twenty bucks and his wife was ironing my good pants.
Totally pleasured your mom; while your dad watched, because it was so beautiful that the sun couldn't even set 'til I was finished. I did that for you to make your life better, so remember that when you are buying me shit for my birthday.
This is only five of the million or so things I have done recently; what have you been doin' of late?
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