I have been engaged in battle with an insurgency of the rodent variety and it has now come to all out war; no longer could I sit idly by waiting for diplomacy and concessions, lines were drawn in the sand and they have been crossed!
It started off simply enough, a little harassment on my home's borders just a few droppings and whispers in the dark. Discussions were had, but of course as any good liberal would do I was stonewalled and told "you are being alarmist, let's just wait and see". So wait we did and the raids continued unabated.
Frustration set in as I watched these large eared rodents set their booby traps and lull us into complacency, their invasive activities became more daring as the days wore on and still no action taken. Finally on a cold Monday morning I strode confidently into the kitchen, popped an English muffin in the toaster and set the espresso on the stove. Turning to grab a knife and the butter a chill ran down my spine and I froze in place. The butter had been brutally assaulted, large chunks had been ripped from her yellowy flesh and excretions surrounded her soft limp body! This was a declaration of war that could no longer be ignored, I quickly convened my war council and hatched a plan to ensnare my foe before this could escalate.
Warning signs were placed around the residence declaring "No Mice Allowed" and "Fuck You Jerry", but these were ignored and the attacks continued, a bag of Snyder's found dismembered in the pantry, Starburst in the candy dish disemboweled and my beloved Cowboy Cookie ravished mere moments after I walked from the room.
All part of the plan!
Little did my miniature quadruped foes know that this was all part of my trap and they were crawling straight into the jaws of my vice!
The sweeter the enticements became the more voracious and daring the assaults (broad daylight, houseful of guests, they appeared taunting their own doom)!
The trap had been set, kill zones defined and the steel barred mercenary employed to finish the job!
Nights turned to days and the body count began to pile up, multiple corpses pulled from the same snare, entire families wiped from the face of the earth!
The battle rages on as we speak, with no clear victor in sight, just this morning a poor innocent wedge of gouda was found with mutiple wounds; the assaults are escalating again and war ravages the landscape of my home.
I will not be deterred from my mission, I am a warrior trained to defeat mine enemy or die with no regrets. There is no shame in claiming the lives of your foe or sleeping with a blade to save those you love. I will continue to wage this battle and can only hope that the morning finds a final victory and an end to the madness that has encompassed this world.
If I am overcome and this be the end. know that I faced my enemy head on and never sounded a retreat when faced with superior numbers.
Also note that I have only used organic peanut butter in my traps, so their last meal will be "green" and not filled with chemicals that could otherwise shorten their cute little lives.
Lovely. Up north, I turned on my shop vac that was in the shed over the winter to discover it was on 'blow' not 'suck'. Pink baby mice flew everywhere. I put them under the trailer for the snake. Chain of life, Baby.
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