!!!MUY IMPORTANTE!!!!

Stop the fuckin' presses!
This is a very important announcement from your local service provider.
It is cold as balls outside so you should probably bundle up with clothes and shit!
Layers are super important this time of year so let's talk about proper layering. Okay, you are gonna wanna get layered up for work first; so go in the kitchen and break out the Saran Wrap and start rolling dumb-ass! This layer of plastic wrap is definitely goin' to seal in all that good body sweat you need to make it through a tough winter's day at the office. Science tells us that the more you sweat the better your brain works so you may want to double up for maximum efficiency. As soon as you are covered (leave a mouth hole so you can drink soda pop at lunch, pop keeps you hydrated and on your toes) take a break to "make bathroom" and phone calls; time for wool. Wool is the most important layer at this level of warming and you are goin' to want some thick ass wool to fill your suit out as much as possible. This will lead to mega efficiency and probably get you a promotion. If wool is hard to find in your area go to the nearest farm and slaughter some sheep (fresh wool is the best at guarding against cold-hand-fall-off-syndrome, since the warm blood adheres to the Saran Wrap forming a layer of Gore-tex) I strongly recommend having sex with the farmers wife right away (this will test the strength of your sheep-skin before you venture out to the mini van to warm it up).
Plastic wrap, wool... time for layer three; wetsuit: cold is made up of snow, which is made up of wet, which is made up of sky-juice, sky juice attacks like a rabid wolf and can break through the next twenty layers. but cannot penetrate your wetsuit so wear two. Since it is the dead of winter you have to have mesh! If you can find a mesh half top with plasticy numbers you are golden, if not use a rayon disco jumpsuit, this forms an impenetrable layer (except against rabies) that retards the cold and impregnates the warm (if you get pregnant use the coat hanger that you keep in your coat layer to do a self abort on yourself). These are the inner layers that you do not remove 'til May.
It would seem like warmth would be a by-product of these basic dressing tips, but that is where you would be wrong If you choose to not properly assemble the "skin" layers of your winter office work wear. Just like your real "skin" your clothes "skin" consists of twenty or so layers of "dermis" and contrary to popular mythos the coat layer is way under the cutting layers. Make sure your coat has enough room for a knife, a coat hanger, a compass and a pudding cup on the right side (most people are right handed and these are vital to survival) and just enough room on that other side (most people are fatter on their left side... fact) for finger nail clippers. Go to Value Village and by clothes in descending sizes to install over your coat layer make sure to shred the shit out of them so they can deflect a "Noreaster" the more slashes and shreds the more efficient they are in the winds of whiteness! As long as all of the layers you install are cotton you will have no problems in the snow and now you are ready for layer twenty!! This is called the "DB Topical Application Level" and it is the simplest of all the layers applied to the body! This is so easy a Mormon could do it! Buy a flight to New York City and then take a cab to the East Village. Have the cabby take you to 3rd and St. Marks, stop and eat a slice of pizza to regenerate some layers (pizza grease works as an anti-whatever cream on your shreddings). Now start looking for David Byrne; he is the "Keymaster" to Winter and without his assistance you will perish assuredly. When you find DB you must beat him and remove his oversized leprechaun suit ("This Must Be the Place") as soon as you button up you are finally ready for the frigid depths of madness. Easy as shit amigos! You are finally ready and activated for the office this coming winter and you have also joined the DIY craze.
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT