I was watching the Smurfs this morning, it was one of those shitty episodes where they were hanging with Johan and Peewit and the Smurfs are merely supporting characters; this has brought up certain questions...
In what universe could Johan possibly be tough? Look at this pussy with his cape, bob haircut and English accent! No way would we see this guy punching out baddies on the mean streets of Manchester (he would be hanging at the coffee shop and playing in his Indie Folk band "Sword of Love") he can certainly strum a guitar, but chopping mofo's heads off with a sword, doubtful? Then there is Johan's buddy Pee-wit (pronounced Pee-wee) this kid sucks! His best friend is Clumsy Smurf he rides a goat backwards and always gets into some sort of hi-jinx where Johan and Poppa Smurf have to concoct a magical scheme to save his mongoloid ass; only in the eighties could this pair possibly be lead characters on a Saturday morning cartoon. I completely forgot how weak cartoons were when I was a young buck. We all know that there was some kinky shit going on in the Smurf village with only Smurfette to bang (do you think Poppa Smurf had firsts?), but Johan and Pee-wit have ruined my memories of jamming Peanut Butter Crunch into my face and parking my Spider Man Underoos wearing ass in front of the Zenith every Saturday morning.
If I do ever sire some crappy progeny they will not be watching cartoons or reading "Harry Potter" like your pussy ass kids, my little bastards are going to be doing karate chops and practicing their kill moves in the back yard while dad swills Old Crow and throws rocks at them to improve their concentration.
Maybe the "Snorks" won't let me down since they are on next.
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