On Wisconsin!!!

Dear Wisconsin,
Just a couple of questions that need answering buddy, I know you are busy drinking and watching Channel 12 news right now, but I have to get this off my chest. Why do we drink Miller Lite and swear by it! If you have never downed one of these vomit lagers just envision a fat chick slowly sensually running a sponge down her sweaty ass crack and then repeatedly squeezing it into that twelve ounce taste receptacle 'til full (it has a vortex for faster delivery). Man that is hot and tastes even better, I don't know how I got through that without making a pleasure run on myself. Mmm now close your eyes and picture a massive factory floor with 10,000 nude wonder-lumps sponging and squeezing round the clock; I have just taken you on a tour of the Miller factory (please send the $5.00 in the mail, no personal checks please) and you are very welcome.
What's with this, we don't have an accent business? In the past week alone I have heard the statement, "we ain't got no accent, dem people on da TV try to do talkin just like us." Oh really, then why have I never heard anyone on CSI say, "so I says to the guy you betcha" or "a body was found down der by da highway a hunerd." Seriously every time I hear a recording of my voice I wanna kick the living shit out of myself. Not only do we have an accent we sound like Canadians trying hard to get their Grade Ten. Try to go on a little vaca' to New York or Uganda, those bush fuckers speak bird-robot and even they know you are from "the Sconnie!"
However we do have some redeeming qualities, we are slow to anger (unless drinking or watching da Pack), helpful to the point of being naive (they never have candy in the car, I always fall for that one), we love to kick back on the lounger and drink a frosty one (which is why we are fat) and fashionable to boot (Carhartts, camouflage hats and cell phones clipped to our belts).
Wisconsin I love you!

Love, Randall James Sharpe Esq.

P.S. Lake Michigan smells, just thought you would like to know.