The Ultimate Workout

Ok, lets see here... alright... here we go... better lube up first... goddammit why is this so fucking hard today!?
So I have this article to write for a magazine and it is due in a couple of days, sounds simple enough right?
The assignment is about new and obscure workouts that have been sweeping the nation.
I'm in shape, this should be a piece of fucking cake...
Fuck! Why can't I write about something sweet like how good I am at beating it (that's a workout) or how kick ass I am at television. I know a metric fuckton (how much would that weigh... question for later?)about that shit, but no they want me to do research and try to do these workouts! The only option left is for me to drink this crappy wine and download some shit off the internet. So of course I have discovered the greatest workout since building pyramids by hand... ULTIMATE SANDBAG WORKOUT!!!!
At first I imagined people desperately filling and piling sandbags to hold back the raging torrent of some river, but this is an actual exercise program developed by actual kinda fit people. To me it just looked like a camouflage duffel bag filled with some stupid fucking sand (sand $5.00, duffel $10.00), but this is a high tech bag of "exercise sand" with a street value more similar to cocaine than torpedo sand!
Since I have neither the time nor the money to purchase this "ultimate sandbag" I have made my own from an old duffel bag I took from some kid and sand I found down by the lake (I don't care if I look like a filthy hobo with my shovel filling a duffel... oh fuck I shoulda taken out the kid's homework). The shoveling alone was a total back and shoulder burn and since I had no scale to weigh the bag I had to just eye it up. It did look about the same as the guy in the video's bag so what could possibly go wrong?
Problem the First: the bag was too fucking heavy and I had to keep stopping to take sand out.
Dos: The kid that I "borrowed" the bag from spotted me and started to chase me, but I hit him with the shovel (the running part was pretty amazing for the quads, calves and glutes; kinda hurt the back though) and he stopped chasing me (also good for interval workout!).
Third Problem: The drawstring on my sweats is broken so they kept falling down and tripping me. I probably tore my ACL, but it did make for a great upper body workout having to push myself back up.
Problem After Third Problem: The stupid fucking duffel bag broke because it was a cheap piece of shit. I had to keep lunging down to put the sand back in it every few feet but after ten minutes of this I was so spent that I fell down with the bag on top of me and had to keep sitting up to get it off of me!
What a waste, now I will never know if the "Ultimate Sandbag Workout" is effective.
Guess I'll just write about P-90X.