Stupid Fat Kid Made Me Spill My Cappuccino

I don't feel like writing today, but because I love you and your sweet moves I will press on like Lee and those damn sexy nails.

This weather has brought my spirits tumbling back to Earth and is preventing me from releasing my bad ass mind juice all over your faces. Speaking of juice I am on a new tomato juice kick, it's kinda old school (I know how you kids love that V-8), but it seems as if downing cans of this red stuff has increased my manliness ratio by about 17.76665%. 

I am not sure if there is a scientific method that can test this; so when I go to the gym tonight, gonna do a set (loudly, the grunting releases more testosterone), tell the guy benching how awesome I am, then climb on a treadmill next to a chick with no headphones and tell her about my workout. You can score the most tail by talking to women on treadmills... they love when men approach them at the gym during a hard workout, proven fact, check craigslist.

I'm pretty sure bench-guy will leave from the shame of being a stupid pussy and tread-girl will meet me in the locker room for doing it. This will definitely prove that my methods are sound.

It's just one of those days, not even the ugly fat kid (who of course has food smeared on his jowels and is struggling for air) tethered to his disgusting mother can illicit a smile... and fatties crack me up?

The annoying Italians speaking Spanish or whatever are just irritating today and seriously do they always have to talk about pasta or gold?

What the fuck is happening to me? Maybe I need a recharge or...

DAMMIT I JUST SPILLED MY FUCKING CAPPUCCINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women Can Finally Contribute To Society

If comic books have taught us anything (which they have), its that exposure to nuclear radiation will turn you into a superhero. Could this be so bad? Sure Japan will soon be crawling with dudes who's limbs can stretch like silly putty and women stronger than dung beetles (currently women are exceedingly weak, this will create a legion of "super women" who can actually carry groceries, open car doors and buy their own drinks), but we as Americans have nothing to fear from these new Japanese "Super-Amigos." There is absolutely no way they could have any animosity towards the good ole US of A. Where would this race of nuclear humanoids be without our assistance and guidance (helping since back in 45, you are most welcome sir)? Sure it will be a tad bit unnerving the first time some diminutive, tourist from the land of the rising sun stretches upward for a "picture picture" of the Empire State Building; and yes the first time a woman is seen carrying her own luggage up the stairs of her first floor apartment the nearest gentleman may drop dead from a massive heart attack/brain aneurysm combo, but who is going to complain about women finally contributing to society? Soon these "ultra-dames" will be solving math problems at a 5th grade level and men will be balancing the checkbook in the kitchen while taking care of business in the lavatory.
This nuclear age is finally coming to fruition and it is about time we started to use radiation for more than curing cancer. I for one am looking forward to having doors opened for me and my new super lady picking up the check.

Spring Break in Libya Sounds Nice

Dear Great American Satan,

 Spring Break 2011 is finally here and in todays down-turned economy American college students are looking for alternative vaca' destinations. Now I know Jamaica in all of its dread-locked, ganja smoking glory seems like a feasible and fiscally responsible option, but it is a proven fact that you will get robbed and murdered by some thrill seeking Dutch kid, so put that on the back burner for now.

Panama City Beach in Florida is nice... if you want to get the clap. 

The Gulf Coast of Texas has water, but for christ's sake it is Texas. If you want to drink Lone Star with big truck driving, cowboy hat wearing rednecks, you can just go to the family reunion in July; why waste your one week of freedom on familiarity?

I have heard that Lake Havasu is pretty popular... with the British. Screw that, unless you are the kind of guy who forgets to brush on a regular basis and gets buck wild on tea and crumpets? Grab the chess board and the SPF 50 Reginald,  'cause break is gonna be off the chain son!

As you can see none of these places are going to be any fun at all; if you don't get VD, you will get raped by Deliverance ( I hope you got a purty mouth) or hacked up and fed to some Rastafarian's pigs!
You need to consider a new option, a different option... a sexy option.

There is a place where the white sand beaches stretch off beyond the horizon. A place where you can wade into the warm blue waters or smoke a huka with men of international intrigue. A place virtually unchanged by time, a place where the sun shines 365 days a year and when it rains you are showered with pure black gold! 

Come for the sun, come for the fun... come to Libya.

This message has been furnished by the Libyan National Tourism Council, praise be to Allah!!

Die Americans Die... and the British too.

Charlie Sheen Will Save Us... Again

I don' know which is worse, Godzilla trashing Japan again or our number one super hero Charlie Sheen being denied his due.
How many times has he saved us from disaster? A million? At least that many.
How can we expect him to use his warlock powers of flying and fucking to defeat Godzilla when he is all pissed off? We owe him a bunch of whatever he needs to get himself prepared to due super monster battle with the beast and I for one am ready to chip in. I have already purchased a couple eight balls of blow and hired an ex-stripper named Ginger to help him train for this conflict.
Please people, don't let Godzilla do to us what he has done to Japan.
Send a self addressed, stamped envelope full of awesome white stuff and money to Charlie Sheen, we may not get a second chance.
Unlike you guys, I am one of his good friends and don't have his address on me, but just send that shit to California and they will get it to him at his secret fortress of power.

Stop Loud Talking Please

Sometimes I wonder why I spend so much time in coffee shops?

Oh sure there is a sweet six foot five tranny in chiffon and glitter. A man child violently rocking back and forth to his own imaginary beat and of course the loud talkers in the corner. I for one would like to ram my right leg down their stupid-ass gape holes, just to give the rest of us a moment of silent bliss. Is that really to much to ask? Is there any reason at all that I should be privy to your life affirming conversation taking place forty feet across this once heavenly reading room? Yes, I am listening to you. Yes, you are a complete fucking moron. Yes, I am making fun of you. Dammit! We just made eye contact, which is obviously a form of encouragement because I have now been acknowledged numerous times with that side glance and escalated volume. Fuck me!

There are way more important things going on in this imploding world of ours; like Gallagher having a fucking stroke! Dude, jumping around on a big couch and smashing water melons can never get old in my humble opinion, but how can the Gaghs swing that mallet if he is all stroked out and shit? That won't be funny at all, unless he is side talking (like Kirk Douglas) and trying to pick that bludgeon up with his palsied hand and he can't but just keeps on struggling to show what a warrior he is and then his two assistants come out and one helps him hold the smasher while the other one throws the watermelon at it repeatedly... now that would be funny.

Oh, yeah some shit blew up, buses crashed, God punished the Japanese for Pokemon and a bunch of people died, but those damn loud talkers side tracked me again.

Charlie Sheen

So I have been kinda gettin' off track lately with all this political shit, but I have finally decided to sit down in my "big boy man chair," drink some brew and get back to business. I apologize for beating your minds off with my finger words, but you know you wanted it and besides it's not cheating if our eyes never met.
March is here and as they say "in like a thing and out like a thing that gets stalked and killed by the first thing"... which is total bullshit!
I don't know anything about weather, but I do know if anything came "in like a lion" there wouldn't be anything left to go "out like a lamb" so get a new saying... I think I'm gonna boycott these bitches.
All this time not boozing it up and sharing my awesome with you, has left a serious hole in my blood pumper zone; so it may take some practice to get back after it, but I am really good at word doing so deal with it.
Now, has anyone been following this Charles Sheen situation? All I know is this dude is a warlock and has tiger blood in those veins so do not fuck with him! I repeat do not fuck with him! Those cat blood transfusions hurt like a bitch (I should know, I tried it once while I was in college... I was just experimenting... I needed the money, trust me... it got a little weird), give you I.B.S. and do not turn your lead into gold, even though you tried really hard and asked Merlin for advice.
Smoking crack is pretty cool and all, but... wait a sec, goddammit Charlie Sheen stop possessing me!
I know it looks bad for Chuck and his rantings seem like the ravings of an unstable megalomaniac, but its just a big ass, butt fucking conspiracy. Chaz is right and the rest of the world is wrong; so fuck you 2.5 dudes (I watched one of those and I think the little kid is the other whole and the guy who played "Ducky' is the half, because he totally sucks balls), who needs you anyway!?
Something like this happened once before if I recall... his name was Jesus and he was persecuted and cruxified (yes, cruxified, it hurts more), then some dudes wrote a bestseller about the guy and look who feels guilty now.
Charlie Sheen, you should be my dad... or, nope... you should definitely be my dad!

Bucky "The Governor" Badger Is Actually A Man?

People please! 

When you allow a badger to be elected to our State's highest office (auto-fasci-badgernor) what the hell did you expect to happen? 

To those of us from the Milwaukee metro area we expected nothing less than a gutting of all public concerns and support as well as four more years of staring at his ugly den digging face, but it's a wee bit late for that now.

I implore all of you to conduct an in depth side by side photographic comparison of our "Dear Governor" and our ferocious state repping mammal. 

Scary isn't it? 

Read the physical stats and you will be astonished; it would not be surprising to discover that his mother was having "relations" with many furry little forest creatures in the wilds of Colorado (it was the sixties, investigative journalists we are looking at you... get on it!).

To be fair I would rather be trapped deep within a badger's den than spend ten minutes locked in a room with Bucky, but since neither is likely to happen any time soon... 

Wisconsin is deeply divided and the only solution may be to secede from the Union and battle this shit out amongst ourselves. 

This war of ideologies will not have a happy ending for either party or the State of Wisconsin, but clearly no one gives a shit about the long term effects of this battle. Changes do need to be made, but the gutting of social assistance has never been the correct solution to budgetary concerns (aka Milwaukee County, thank you Mr. Walker.. dick head) but protesting does not have positive monetary influence on the outcome of policy (historically documented and verifiable).

Do not misunderstand me I find the Democratic Party as equally deplorable as the Republican, but much like our current President the new Governor has been given a license to "free-wheel" with our money and lives and frankly it disgusts me.

Checks and balances, if I am not mistaken, does not mean the ledger of our State's checkbook... does it?

Fellow citizens we are definitely going to take it in the ass on this one, but once I have finished this toaster/time machine I have been working on we should be able to quantumly "leap" Scott Bakula to 1967. With a little luck he can prevent Ole Bucky's mother from having sex with animals all together or get a cheap abortion in some back alley of Colorado Springs, either way...

Political Wisdoms from '56

Politics, politics, politics. I am so unbelievably tired of discussing the political state of our world that I am this close (squeezing fingers together to the size of a pin, which is rather small, so back the fuck off Antonio!!!) to going on a full blown, karate, revenge spree on all who cross my incensed path. People on either side of these issues are complete butt-fucks and I don't really care what statistics or opinions are indicating. You assholes are interfering with my work, which was saving the world, but you fucked that up... congratulations to you!

Ohh Scott Walker parts his hair on the right. Ooh Local 269 members have beer guts, eat hot dogs for breakfast and smell like poo. I am going to collectively bargain the shit out of all of you; so shut the fuck up and listen to some wisdom from the fifties. That's right, post McCarthy "The Fifties" a simpler time. A time when men just wanted to drag race their Ford T-Birds and women wanted to make babies and get a new avocado colored stove from Sears. 

So I am going to drop some of these "wisdoms" taken from a class of '56 yearbook on your listening tubes and you will like it... 'cause I said so!

"I like a girl with a good head on my shoulder." - Dan H. 

Now that is some straight up fifties pimpin'! Back when a gallon of gas was a quarter and wearing a letter jacket was all you needed to get a good union job. Sad to say that it is an era gone bye; last I checked gas was $3.50...

"Shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which fills up first." - Mike S. 

I have a feeling young Michael wasn't waiting around for someone to just hand him anything; maybe some of these malcontents should try getting their fingers a little dirty with an honest days work and a little less bitching. 

I actually tried this and who'd a thunk, it took forever for the wish side to get full?

"I haven't let a woman pin anything on me since I was a baby." - Dick M. 

Wow is all I can say to that. What a surprise; this guy took over the successful family business and became extremely influential in his local political scene. Kind of have to wonder what little "Dicky" was so worried about back in '56? Do you think he might be a conservative?

"Books are my meat, who wants tomatoes?" - Steve F. 

I have no clue what the fuck this nerd was talking about, but apparently he didn't eat enough tomatoes and died of a massive heart attack back in the '90's. Goes to show that high protein diets are deadly and anyone who thinks they can waste taxpayer's money will certainly die at some point in the future; probably from heart failure or maybe cancer.

"Guests are like fish, after three days they start to stink!" - Carolyn S.

If you lay around somewhere for three days where you may or may not be welcome, you develop a type of pathetic funk? That doesn't happen to those who set up camp in public buildings... does it? No, because they are showered in the sweat of righteousness and justice.

See the fifties were pretty cool.