I have really been slacking lately and I just feel horrible about it! I know you have all been waiting with baited breath (Do you think that was a literal terminology at one point? Like some dumb-ass medieval serf's job was to tie wax worms to his fucking tongue and dunk his head into the lake and wait for some tasty perch to swim by? I bet it was, those people were complete idiots.) for me to deliver the message that has been passed unto me from The Great One Above (Jeff Goldblum).
Jeff wants you guys to know that all is going according to plan in Egypt and a new Pharaoh shall ascend the temple throne in the immediate future. He is really looking forward to setting up this new dynasty and wants all you guys to jump on board, so start tweeting!
Jeff says the new season of Idol is going to be a major tear jerker with about four or five Danny Gokey's to root for. Spoiler alert!!! All of the those impossibly pathetic makeover cases with the heavenly voices that magically appear from the underbelly of America every time a new season begins are just that! Angels, they are god-damn angels! I was just as surprised as you are, but it makes sense.
Jeff is adamant that we don't get overly concerned for Deion Sanders in his time of need. He says Deion is like the biblical character Job and He is testing his faith by relieving him of his worldly possessions. It may seem a little harsh, but this is how He shows us His love, by taking stuff away from black people.
2011 is going to be a great year and Jeff wants you guys to live it up since He will be destroying much of the planet next year. How the signs were ignored still perplexes me, he gave us life saving guidance in such picture stories as: The Fly, Jurassic Park, Independence Day and his numerous recurring television roles as the exceptionally smart nerd who figures shit out.
Jeff does love you and wants you to keep enjoying the musical stylings of Justin Bieber (His Son, illegitimate though so no worries, his other son, Usher is the one who will save us.), Taylor Swift and all that other crap you kids listen too (Jeff's words not mine, I love this Nicky Minaj person... great talent.). That is pretty much it for now; I did try to find out if The Social Network was going to win every Oscar since it was such an amazing film and JT's acting was unreal, but he just giggled, kept sipping his latte and whispered " Internet, I'd say internet" seriously, WTF?
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