Webster's (The best 80's sitcom featuring a black midget and that Greek guy that played pro ball. The chick was terrible though, did you ever see the one where "Web" had the doll that was possessed and he kept finding it in his escape dumbwaiter... scary as hell!) Dictionary defines weather as " The shit that really pisses you off about being stuck inside at work or being stuck outside... at work." Today happens to be the latter rather than the former and frankly I blame all of this nonsense on this past weekends failed attempt to rapture all of the believers. It is May for Christ's sake (after all, that is who I do all of this for; the glory of the lord, obviously) and what business does the wind have rattling my single pane windows at this time of year, it's like the mailman showing up at midnight, isn't it a little late to be delivering my overdue doctor bills and Penthouse magazines buddy... well... isn't it?
It is, so how about you check your schedule (pronounced shedule, I like my c's to be silent) and at least make an attempt to abide by the contract; you know the one where you rain all over me in April and then because you still want to do sex to me you bring me pretty flowers in May thinking that this will solve all of our problems and we will fall back into coital bliss. Wrong! They are just stupid flowers asshole and you have a lot of explaining to do! Never mind your poor timing and ill choice of expression (snow in late April, what's that about?) of care for me. I do know that you are making some sort of attempt; the problem lies herein, I have already prepared my white shoes, v-neck and dungaree shorts (which of course have been rolled up to appear shorter and are tight as hell to accentuate my man bulge) for the upcoming season. Do you have any idea how foolish you are making me look by having to wear my scarf and moon-boots with this ensemble? Well... do you?
Go ahead continue to show up unannounced. Hey it's Tuesday I think I will stop over at Randy's and be 80 degrees, no wait he is at work, sorry.
Hey what are you doing Thursday? You want to go for a bike ride, cool.
I forgot, so I'm going to be a tornado and blow down some hillbilly's houses.
Get your shit together you fucking hippy!
You sucked at rapturing on Saturday, you are months behind on sunshine-bikini-time and I can't ride my bike in this damn wind!
Hey, can you bring Macho Man back? I really want a Slim Jim.
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