Oh My God, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced!!!
Seriously... why the hell is this front page news?
Another talent-less, jersey chasing repository of male DNA has failed in the so called game of love... huge surprise. Can anyone even recall why "Thunder Butt" is famous? What has she achieved in her thirty some odd years on this planet that has rewarded her with such fame and financial gain? Lets see, she let a second rate hip hop non-entity film their sexcapades and then it was accidentally leaked to the viewing public... woops. Prior to finding success through sleeping with quasi-famous singers she made a valiant effort to achieve worldwide adulation by marrying the lesser half of R&B production duo The Underdogs; who gave us such wonders as Justin Guarini's debut album and a bunch of shit from Chris Brown... that one ended in the big D and thankfully no Paris Hilton-esque album. She moved onward and upward to professional football players like Miles Austin and Reggie Bush, who like all of her other "conquests" were second class citizens in their own profession. Where to next Kim? Musicians check, athletes check, I think there was a model in there somewhere so check to that as well. By process of elimination we can only assume an actor must be on her ass's broad horizon... Omar Epps, Taye Diggs, maybe even you Paul Walker.
What a complete waste of time and energy this has been, I had to do some research on "Big Dumps" and am so disgusted with myself that I have to put an end to this without even getting into any of the actual Kardashian dirt.
Kris or whatever your name is, you are much better off minus this wind bag and her equally vacuous family. Enjoy your share of the millions from that publicity stunt wedding you participated in and don't worry your NBA career is almost over anyway, so no loss on this season.
Toodles.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
I Care About You Guys
Sharing is not actually caring, it is more an expression of one's own will to be important... Now that we got that out in the open, I would like to share some stuff that I care about.
I care for the current psychological state of one Bernard Lawrence Madoff a misunderstood man, who is just searching for a little bit of redemption. So he is completely unapologetic about bilking billions of dollars from investors and stealing the lives and welfare of hard working Americans; he did try to take his own life and is greatly distressed about what he has done to his family (see caring). Mind you his lovely spouse and offspring are also complete pieces of human waste material (investigated for numerous tax violations, frauds, etc... but his wife had no clue what was going on...), however his eldest son cared so deeply for his family he chose to abruptly end his existence while the younger progeny had himself a case of lymphoma to make up for all the lying and stealing stuff.
Bernard was kind enough to re-distribute others wealth to his friends, corporate concerns and his charitable foundations which after his arrest lost millions in funds, probably due to the fact that it was money old Bernie had borrowed (which would imply intent to repay wouldn't it...). Prison life has suited "Don" Madoff well he says, his multiple trips to the infirmary and or hospital were not at all caused by other inmates, but just check-ups on his heart condition (Black heart is a medical condition right? I bet it's from to much caring...). Truthfully it is doubtful that any of his new "house" mates lost a dime from his dealings and usually citizens residing in the "big-house" are innocent of all accusations... most wouldn't hurt any living creature...
Bernie, you have pulled at my heart strings and I forgive you; the loss of your family is an American tragedy and thanks to Barbara Walters we have all been made aware of your suffering.
That is just some stuff I care about... no big deal.
I care for the current psychological state of one Bernard Lawrence Madoff a misunderstood man, who is just searching for a little bit of redemption. So he is completely unapologetic about bilking billions of dollars from investors and stealing the lives and welfare of hard working Americans; he did try to take his own life and is greatly distressed about what he has done to his family (see caring). Mind you his lovely spouse and offspring are also complete pieces of human waste material (investigated for numerous tax violations, frauds, etc... but his wife had no clue what was going on...), however his eldest son cared so deeply for his family he chose to abruptly end his existence while the younger progeny had himself a case of lymphoma to make up for all the lying and stealing stuff.
Bernard was kind enough to re-distribute others wealth to his friends, corporate concerns and his charitable foundations which after his arrest lost millions in funds, probably due to the fact that it was money old Bernie had borrowed (which would imply intent to repay wouldn't it...). Prison life has suited "Don" Madoff well he says, his multiple trips to the infirmary and or hospital were not at all caused by other inmates, but just check-ups on his heart condition (Black heart is a medical condition right? I bet it's from to much caring...). Truthfully it is doubtful that any of his new "house" mates lost a dime from his dealings and usually citizens residing in the "big-house" are innocent of all accusations... most wouldn't hurt any living creature...
Bernie, you have pulled at my heart strings and I forgive you; the loss of your family is an American tragedy and thanks to Barbara Walters we have all been made aware of your suffering.
That is just some stuff I care about... no big deal.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Capitalistic Occupation
Capitalism bought me this laptop. Capitalism bought you a smart phone. Capitalism bought protesters a mega phone and the free time to "occupy" shit.
Capitalism made Oakland a hub of shipping and the railroad industries. Capitalism built the shitty schools that students in Oakland don't bother to attend. Capitalism turned Oakland into a battle ground of ideology.
Capitalism paid for the uniforms and billy clubs used to beat protesters. Capitalism bought the ambulance used to whisk injured combatants to medical attention. Capitalism allows you to pay Dr. Singh from Mumbai to stitch up your wounds and send you off in dad's BMW.
Capitalism set up the satellites that you are using to tweet about injustice. Capitalism is letting you skip class at Berkeley tomorrow to go protest Capitalism again. Capitalism will be allowing you to use dad's money to back pack Southeast Asia and find yourself after graduation.
Capitalism will remind you how nice restrooms and hot water are. Capitalism will be footing the bill for that PHD in anthropology you will be receiving. Capitalism is prepared to pay that six figure salary you deserve so much, so that you can warn young minds of the dangers of Capitalism.
Capitalism practices reciprocity and is chilling a platter for you. Capitalism is clogging your arteries with delicious bacon and stealing your hair. Capitalism is devouring your liver with fine wines and scotch.
Capitalism has prepared a wooden box and six foot hole for you and can't wait to thank you for your service.
Capitalism made Oakland a hub of shipping and the railroad industries. Capitalism built the shitty schools that students in Oakland don't bother to attend. Capitalism turned Oakland into a battle ground of ideology.
Capitalism paid for the uniforms and billy clubs used to beat protesters. Capitalism bought the ambulance used to whisk injured combatants to medical attention. Capitalism allows you to pay Dr. Singh from Mumbai to stitch up your wounds and send you off in dad's BMW.
Capitalism set up the satellites that you are using to tweet about injustice. Capitalism is letting you skip class at Berkeley tomorrow to go protest Capitalism again. Capitalism will be allowing you to use dad's money to back pack Southeast Asia and find yourself after graduation.
Capitalism will remind you how nice restrooms and hot water are. Capitalism will be footing the bill for that PHD in anthropology you will be receiving. Capitalism is prepared to pay that six figure salary you deserve so much, so that you can warn young minds of the dangers of Capitalism.
Capitalism practices reciprocity and is chilling a platter for you. Capitalism is clogging your arteries with delicious bacon and stealing your hair. Capitalism is devouring your liver with fine wines and scotch.
Capitalism has prepared a wooden box and six foot hole for you and can't wait to thank you for your service.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Forgot to Post This, Because I Have a Drinking Problem
Life as we know it is a short and sometimes cruel short story published in the most obscure of publications, but every once in a blue moon someone comes along and writes an entire "Sports Illustrated, Fall Football Preview" with their life.
Sure their have been some recent departures from the world of the living that would qualify for that issue, but I don't really give a shit because I don't own an i-pod or i-pad or i-whatever the fuck the latest innovation happens to be. In the words of that Indian (feathers not dots) character from "Predator," "Everybody gotta die sometime," and yes the king of the creative computer world was a mere mortal like the rest of us. I hope he is getting some sweet S-jobs in compu-heaven, but does anyone realize that the creator of Doritos recently "bit" the big one? I have spent far more money hangin' on his "Cool Ranch" than I ever did getting Steve's kind of Jobs, just sayin' is all.
Hightower from "Police Academy?" Yep he's a goner.
Some junkies died; Winehouse, the guy from Weezer, that pussy Kanicky from "Grease," and Mike not the Starr of Alice In Chains fame. All taking a dirt nap.
Fitness guru Jack Lalanne finally succumbed to sixty plus years of promoting "women's fitness," Jack shoulda got with the times and realized that "women's fitness" is called porno, porn director's live forever Jack, wrong choice.
How about Warren Christopher? No big deal he only held positions of international importance (Secretary of State, Attorney General, Nerd of Power) during three separate presidential administrations, but you know he didn't do anything that effected anyone.
There is only one passing that need be noted here, only one that brings an era to an end, a man who forgot to "lay low" and finally got caught up. Original "OG" Nate Dogg, I'm pouring out a lil' liquor for you homey.
I hope Jobs (not like Job in the B-I-B-L-E, that guy went through some real shit) is living it up in i-heaven with i-god, but everybody does gotta die sometime and I for one would rather die it up with Nate Dogg and old Jack Lalanne than spend another minute with S-Jobs and his legion of Gen-Y Myrmidon in their unending i-nformation hell.
Goodnight and facebook to you.
Sure their have been some recent departures from the world of the living that would qualify for that issue, but I don't really give a shit because I don't own an i-pod or i-pad or i-whatever the fuck the latest innovation happens to be. In the words of that Indian (feathers not dots) character from "Predator," "Everybody gotta die sometime," and yes the king of the creative computer world was a mere mortal like the rest of us. I hope he is getting some sweet S-jobs in compu-heaven, but does anyone realize that the creator of Doritos recently "bit" the big one? I have spent far more money hangin' on his "Cool Ranch" than I ever did getting Steve's kind of Jobs, just sayin' is all.
Hightower from "Police Academy?" Yep he's a goner.
Some junkies died; Winehouse, the guy from Weezer, that pussy Kanicky from "Grease," and Mike not the Starr of Alice In Chains fame. All taking a dirt nap.
Fitness guru Jack Lalanne finally succumbed to sixty plus years of promoting "women's fitness," Jack shoulda got with the times and realized that "women's fitness" is called porno, porn director's live forever Jack, wrong choice.
How about Warren Christopher? No big deal he only held positions of international importance (Secretary of State, Attorney General, Nerd of Power) during three separate presidential administrations, but you know he didn't do anything that effected anyone.
There is only one passing that need be noted here, only one that brings an era to an end, a man who forgot to "lay low" and finally got caught up. Original "OG" Nate Dogg, I'm pouring out a lil' liquor for you homey.
I hope Jobs (not like Job in the B-I-B-L-E, that guy went through some real shit) is living it up in i-heaven with i-god, but everybody does gotta die sometime and I for one would rather die it up with Nate Dogg and old Jack Lalanne than spend another minute with S-Jobs and his legion of Gen-Y Myrmidon in their unending i-nformation hell.
Goodnight and facebook to you.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The Italian Cafe Across the Street
The Italian Cafe across the street is definitely not my cup of espresso (fucking Italians don't even know the proper vernacular is tea, cup of tea...).
As an Irishman I am predisposed to having a melanin impediment... obviously; that being said why is it then necessary to bring this to my attention?
Is it not obvious that I am relatively aware of my own skin tone and the need to take "precautions" in staving off the burn of the accursed sun? I apologize for being a "ginger" (which by the way is offensive and a wholly unoriginal sentiment, keep watching South Park and learning... assholes) and representing my Irish heritage.
I would also like to apologize for the following sins against the Italians (Mother Mary forgive me for I have... blah, blah, blah... fart): Being in shape, I am very sorry that I am capable of walking all the way across the street in the hot sunshine to spend my wife's hard earned money at your cafe. I know that you had to drive your 1999 Cadillac Boat from your house 100 feet behind the cafe to get here, because you are fucking fat... my bad.
Being attractive, really sorry about this you stupid Dago, It's not my fault that your aquiline nose looks like a Kindergartner molded it from Play-Doh and threw it in your general direction where it accidentally landed on that moon crater you call a face. Thousands of years of "Roman" heritage and this is as far as you people have come? All the make up and hair product on the planet cannot fix what God has done to you (I think he is still mad about that thing you did to his kid... remember, Jesus, you had him whacked-off... not cool).
The fact is I could ask for forgiveness for just about anything, but I would rather let you guys get back to filling your faces with pastas (How do you not realize they all taste the same, they are just different shapes. Do the circles taste like circles and not strings, I don't fucking get it?), shouting at each other while gesticulating wildly about every mundane thing and killing the ozone layer with your hair spray and airbrush eyebrows.
Listen, you are not all in the mafia, there are more names than Vinnie, Joey and Tommy and being Irish kicks ass.
Sure we have Catholicism in common and we enjoy a good argument, but other than that I am far superior to you in every way.
What any of this has to do with my experience in the Italian Cafe this morning, I dunno? I just really wanted to bitch about being singled out for my skin's inability to turn sunlight into bronze (fucking alchemy, I will never be a wizard), but if I'm not mistaken when your skin turns leathery and has lost elasticity shouldn't it be turned into a boot... you know, like your shitty country?
As an Irishman I am predisposed to having a melanin impediment... obviously; that being said why is it then necessary to bring this to my attention?
Is it not obvious that I am relatively aware of my own skin tone and the need to take "precautions" in staving off the burn of the accursed sun? I apologize for being a "ginger" (which by the way is offensive and a wholly unoriginal sentiment, keep watching South Park and learning... assholes) and representing my Irish heritage.
I would also like to apologize for the following sins against the Italians (Mother Mary forgive me for I have... blah, blah, blah... fart): Being in shape, I am very sorry that I am capable of walking all the way across the street in the hot sunshine to spend my wife's hard earned money at your cafe. I know that you had to drive your 1999 Cadillac Boat from your house 100 feet behind the cafe to get here, because you are fucking fat... my bad.
Being attractive, really sorry about this you stupid Dago, It's not my fault that your aquiline nose looks like a Kindergartner molded it from Play-Doh and threw it in your general direction where it accidentally landed on that moon crater you call a face. Thousands of years of "Roman" heritage and this is as far as you people have come? All the make up and hair product on the planet cannot fix what God has done to you (I think he is still mad about that thing you did to his kid... remember, Jesus, you had him whacked-off... not cool).
The fact is I could ask for forgiveness for just about anything, but I would rather let you guys get back to filling your faces with pastas (How do you not realize they all taste the same, they are just different shapes. Do the circles taste like circles and not strings, I don't fucking get it?), shouting at each other while gesticulating wildly about every mundane thing and killing the ozone layer with your hair spray and airbrush eyebrows.
Listen, you are not all in the mafia, there are more names than Vinnie, Joey and Tommy and being Irish kicks ass.
Sure we have Catholicism in common and we enjoy a good argument, but other than that I am far superior to you in every way.
What any of this has to do with my experience in the Italian Cafe this morning, I dunno? I just really wanted to bitch about being singled out for my skin's inability to turn sunlight into bronze (fucking alchemy, I will never be a wizard), but if I'm not mistaken when your skin turns leathery and has lost elasticity shouldn't it be turned into a boot... you know, like your shitty country?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Lets Go To The Beach
This is my Ultimate Beach Guide 2011 Part Two (Part One comes after because it's better than this one and will have all of the upgrades from the fuck-ups in this one... of which there will be none, so there is no Part One... fuck you.)
Lets get started
1. Find Some Sand, is there water... cool you got a beach. If there isn't any water put some sand in one of those empty beer bottles in your truck and bring it to some water... you just made your own beach.
2. Buy Some Fuckin Beer... you got money? No. Dig up all the change from the floor of your truck, make sure you check the glove box and those Taco Bell wrappers under the seat. Purchase whatever you can with your scroungings. Malt liquor works the best so hopefully you got enough.
3. Make Some Shorts... cut-off denim is the best in water, make sure the pockets hang out so you can catch any fish just in case you need bait. If you don't have a knife in the truck try karate choppin' em, that always works for me.
4. Sunglasses... you gotta have eye protection and instead of losin your Blades tie an old shirt around your head and cut out some eye holes, that'll work,
5. Gotta Have Baby Oil... I keep a lot of baby oil in the truck in case I need to lube up, otherwise 5W-30 or even ten will give you a base. Don't use any of that Dexron shit, it's for your tranny and will turn you red.
6. Flotations... boots float.
7. Umbrella... umbrella's are for pussies so don't use one, if you can't handle the sun for ten hours don't go to the fuckin beach asshole.
8. Where Are The Bathrooms... there ain't no bathrooms at the beach so piss in the fuckin water and you got those old Taco bell wrappers under the seat so you are covered.
9. Whistle... girls at the beach love being whistled at and wanna bang. keep some of that Saran Wrap from your PB and J handy so you can make a condom; never trust beach chicks they will give you VD.
There Is No Ten...
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunshine State of Mind
Rice Pudding?
Seriously... rice fucking pudding?
Why is this an option as a side dish for my main course?
Why am I the only person in this place excusing himself to use the restroom? I have been here for like three hours and not one of these "geriatric wonders" has left their fucking table... WTF?
Do they not know they have to shit?
Do you think it just kinda happens while they're gumming the steamed fish plate special (Only $2.99 everyday 'til 6:00 PM!) and when they get home to watch "The Price is Right" they bend over to change into their "night slippers" and some falls out of their pant leg and they think the cat shit on the floor again... damn cat!!!
There is much to be said for life experience, but in which life would you wear your toupee backwards? How the fuck would you not know? Do you just glue it on and think "look out ladies here comes Jimmy Stewart" and you don't even notice the sideburns are behind your ears?
Unfortunately I have not yet qualified for the "senior special", I still have teeth, I rarely shit in my own pants and I don't pull U-turns through traffic to head the wrong way during rush hour, but come on Generation Y are you still alive!
This is Florida, a veritable amusement park of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and Rice Pudding and I suppose when you are so close to that final day trip to Denny's shitting your pants or putting your hairpiece on a bit askew should be praised. In the grand scheme of things you are just going to slip and fall in the tub, breaking your hip and dying because you are so fucking old, but take solace in knowing (and forgetting, then knowing and forgetting all over again) that you are bringing a little extra sunshine to my already really sunny life.
Seriously... rice fucking pudding?
Why is this an option as a side dish for my main course?
Why am I the only person in this place excusing himself to use the restroom? I have been here for like three hours and not one of these "geriatric wonders" has left their fucking table... WTF?
Do they not know they have to shit?
Do you think it just kinda happens while they're gumming the steamed fish plate special (Only $2.99 everyday 'til 6:00 PM!) and when they get home to watch "The Price is Right" they bend over to change into their "night slippers" and some falls out of their pant leg and they think the cat shit on the floor again... damn cat!!!
There is much to be said for life experience, but in which life would you wear your toupee backwards? How the fuck would you not know? Do you just glue it on and think "look out ladies here comes Jimmy Stewart" and you don't even notice the sideburns are behind your ears?
Unfortunately I have not yet qualified for the "senior special", I still have teeth, I rarely shit in my own pants and I don't pull U-turns through traffic to head the wrong way during rush hour, but come on Generation Y are you still alive!
This is Florida, a veritable amusement park of Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and Rice Pudding and I suppose when you are so close to that final day trip to Denny's shitting your pants or putting your hairpiece on a bit askew should be praised. In the grand scheme of things you are just going to slip and fall in the tub, breaking your hip and dying because you are so fucking old, but take solace in knowing (and forgetting, then knowing and forgetting all over again) that you are bringing a little extra sunshine to my already really sunny life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)